Of all holidays, I think that New Years is one that means the most to me.
The idea of letting go, of starting over….the concept of hope. And change.
It feels powerful.
There’s no other day of the year that holds as much promise for change.
It’s a day on the calendar, yes. But for me, it’s a meaningful one.
I am ready to say goodbye to 2023.
Aside from my son being born in late 2022, and experiencing his first year of life…2023 had little to offer in terms of …..good.
I do feel as though I’ve achieved a lot of personal growth. For as much bad that I have to experience and endure…I’m the best person for the job.
I’m uniquely qualified for my life. And I’m doing the best I can given the insurmountable challenges.
I was not given an easy hand in life. I was born into trauma and abuse, thanks to a sister with severe mental health challenges. I remain to this day her scapegoat. And she is nothing less than cruel to me.
I was born with a genetic disorder, the first to have it, and passed it down unknowingly to all 3 of my children. Who now have an expiration date on their heads.
2023 brought challenges that I simply never could’ve anticipated being a part of my life.
The rare genome project? Full genome/exome DNA testing on my entire family?
Planning trips to the National Institute of Health so we can be further tested and studied?
3 kids with a growing list of diagnoses, and appointments and therapies and challenges…the list goes on.
In a lot of ways, 2023 was my hardest one yet. But it wasn’t the worst. How it can be the hardest, but not the worst…it’s complicated. My worst year (or 2, maybe 3) were the ones I spent drinking from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep.
Yes, this year was undeniably hard. But not the worst.
Personally, there’s a lot of room for improvement. I could certainly handle things better. Without the need for drinking or pills or self harm. I could do without the nights sleeping on the bathroom floor because my husband and I are in a bad place, and I feel unwanted and alone.
I could do without the depression. And anxiety.
My financial situation is the absolute worst it’s ever been….largely in thanks to the $400-500 I spend in therapy/medical bills a WEEK right now.
2023 did have some unforgettable highlights. Most notably, my trip to Disney World with Funding Love, and nearly every moment spent with Atlas in his first year of life.
I’m not yet the person I want to be. I’m still very much a person that I hate when I look in the mirror. I’m the person that listens to the voices of the people in my life when they tell me just how horrible I am.
I need to learn how to ignore those people and their words. The people telling me lies. And I need to learn how to listen to the voices of those who love me. They are the ones telling me the truth.
As the sun rose on the final day of 2023, it forced me to take a moment and pause.
I need to learn to do more of that. Take a moment. Pause. Do more of the little things that make me happy.
Nothing about 2024 will be easy. And I won’t set some mundane new rules or standards for myself that weren’t there yesterday.
Change comes slowly over time.
The calendar changes tomorrow. And we say goodbye to the past. The future doesn’t change all at once. But we gives ourselves a chance to start again.
That’s what every day is.
A chance to start again.
I don’t have a grand master plan for 2024. 2023 was all about survival mode. And sleepless nights. And just straight up pure exhaustion.
Earlier this week, when my kids had their appointment with their therapist, she handed me something that my therapist had given her to give to me.
It was a card and a daily planner, themed appropriately to my brain and choice of language.
Her card was meaningful, and it made me feel cared about and less alone. In a world where I fight so many battles alone…it was just nice to feel like I’m not going into 2024 completely alone. There are people. There is support.
It’s always the little things that feel the biggest to me. Especially when she knows how my brain works so very well, when really no one else does.
So…my plan for 2024?
To continue to try to get my shit together. Something I’ve been saying to myself for about the past 2 years now.
One day at a time. For today? I’ll say goodbye to 2023. Take it for what it was. And keep moving forward.
One day at a time.
I’m proud of you.
From the time I started reading your posts, and now, you have shifted in a more positive, more hopeful state of mind. Yes, 2023 sucked in a lot of ways, and the prospects of 2024 may seem daunting with all the medical appointments coming up. But it will hopefully be a year of receiving answers, of getting “real” help.
I hope you will look in the mirror and see the incredible you, the one a lot of us see already.
I wish you all the stability you need and all the love you deserve.
Fuck the haters.
Happy New Year, amiga 💖
Absolutely, fuck the haters.
Thank you for being in my corner. I appreciate you more than you know. Really.
“I’m the person that listens to the voices of the people in my life when they tell me just how horrible I am.”
Hopefully, you’ll come to discard those voices since we know they’re abusive, cruel, and insincere. From what I can see way over here in my little spot in cyberspace, you’re a hard-working, devoted mother, wife, and friend, and trying your damnedest to do what’s best for you and your family. If anyone can look at what you’re doing with your life and see that as “horrible” then their opinions are ill-formed and tainted.
Stay strong, my friend, and keep on being the badass that you are.
I am absolutely doing my best. Sometimes, people refuse to see you in any other light than the one they paint you in. My parents are the definition of that time of person. Not just with me, with everyone. You’ll never change their opinion….no matter what reality is.
I’ll keep fighting and keep doing my best. Even when it sucks.
They don’t matter, ultimately. You and your family do, and you are doing an amazing job under extraordinarily challenging circumstances. Your family is lucky to have you.