Hanging on, and giving my brain a chance.

Last night, as my husband was just getting home from work, I boldly exclaimed let’s go out!

We hard to urgently go to Joann’s, a huge craft store, so I could indulge in my latest crafting expedition.

I have nearly every kind of crafting skill, needle art, diamond painting, cross stitching…etc. I’ve turned to creative outlets/crafting my entire life, including writing, and it really is the best thing for my brain. Having that specific type of outlet is amazing for me. It uses my brain, I get to make something, it keeps my hands busy…it’s just good.

But…my body is considerably more broken than that of a normal person. And doing these things that I love…they all require heavy use of my hands.

Then they get swollen, and incredibly painful, and I have to stop. The things that’s the best outlet for me emotionally is something that I just can’t do physically.

Which, frankly, fucking sucks.

So every now and then, when I know my brain is so desperately seeking something and I’m trying to fill the void with literally anything other than alcohol, I’ll try to see if there’s something new I can try, that may be less painful.

Enter, crocheting.

Not like, doilies and blankets or whatever, but adorable little animals. Obviously.

It’s the one needle type skill I don’t have, and I wanted to learn.

Ergo, off to Joann’s.

I bought the one and only one they had in stock of the specific brand I wanted, and started my project today.

No, I’m not like a huge pac-man fan, but I’m using it more to learn the skill. And it was the only one they had.

Of course I already ordered a few more online, but I needed to not wait the week or however long shipping would be.

After all, my brain needs a hit now. Not next week.

I’ve made not so bad progress since I started this afternoon, and I am enjoying it. This kit has video tutorials crafted just for beginners, and I absolutely recommend it for anyone who wants to learn but is afraid they won’t be able to. It’s broken down really very nicely, and I feel confident that I’m learning it the right way because of it.

Unfortunately, my hands absolutely are on fire. And are twice as swollen than usual. But I think I was straining myself too much initially and pulling too hard. I think if I can lessen the tension I’m putting on my hands, it’ll help a lot. I hope.

Anyway, that’s the post.

I can tell my addiction wants to take ahold of me. It feels really, really fucking strong right now. To the point where it’s actually scaring the shit out of me.

I think we’ve been heading here for a while. And I’ve just been….hoping and pretending that it’s not.

My brain craves creative outlets almost as much as it craves the alcohol I’ve gotten it addicted to.

So…I’m going to give it a chance. I’m going to give me a chance.

And I’m going to keep writing.

Even if it feels like I have nothing to say. Or nothing worth hearing.

Or like my life has no value.