Hurt is….it’s an interesting concept. And it means a lot of different things.
Physically, emotionally, different levels and layers of it…..
I guess it could best be described as an onion. Layers and levels and varying degrees of pain.
The past few days…I have been HURT. With a capital H, and all the others capital and screaming loud and proud as well. The deepest, most vulnerable and hard to accept kind of hurt.
The details don’t matter. Maybe they do, but maybe they don’t. In this instance, I’m choosing to forgo them.
What DOES matter, is how you respond to it.
But….what if you don’t know how to respond to it? What if you just…don’t KNOW what the “right” way to respond is?
That’s the situation I found myself in. I was capital H hurt. And I didn’t know what to do with it.
I did something differently this time than I have in the past.
I did not ask someone else what they wanted. I TOLD them what *I* wanted. As it happens, what I wanted was them. They agreed, and said they wanted the same. For as…….bad as things were in the moments of the bad…..the resolution was much faster than I’d have expected.
But the hurt didn’t go away. It’s still here. It’s still screaming its presence in the background, the foreground and everything in between.
Calm, productive and honest conversations were had. I’m thankful for the growth that has allowed us to progress to this. That, hurt can exist, be moved past more quickly….and then communicated about.
But the hurt still exists in those conversation. Hurt, if anything, exists the most loudly and honestly in those conversations.
I have to be honest. The person who hurt me….it isn’t the person I’m the most hurt by. I’m not sure if that makes sense….but they echoed someone else’s words and thoughts. Those words were repeated to me out of anger and hurt and fear.
I’ve encountered this situation before with this person. Frequently. But…this time was different. Because they were influenced by words that were not his. Feelings that were not his. Yet, they were repeated out of fear.
I know, because we’ve had the conversations. We spent all night having the conversations. I understand this person more deeply and intimately than anyyyyyone else. I’m confident in my knowledge of this. And they’d agree.
I’m hurt, but not by the person who hurt me.
Of course, I’m giving there the space and option for a miscommunication to be had. I know that the person reiterating the words isn’t…the worlds best communicator. And honestly, I am holding a lot of weight in THAT being the issue. Things being unintentionally miscommunication. On many ends. Him speaking it, him understanding it, and him reiterating it.
I know for a 100% guaranteed fact, because I have had this conversation, that the things that this person told the other person have NOT been entirely accurate. Not intentionally, not a lie, just….very poorly portrayed. We’ve discussed it, we both agree on that fact….and we both know it’s problematic. Just….a result of poor communication skills.
There’s a lot of room for error. And miscommunication.
I want more than fucking ANYTHING to be bold and honest and fucking protective. I know the truth. We know the truth. We live it. It’s our experience.
I want to be trusting.
And at this moment…trusting is something that I am not. I am hurt.
I know the strength of my relationships. Even more so than I know them…I live and die by them.
More than anything, I want to be bold and honest and upfront. I want to make my feelings known. And I want to know if I’m correct in my assumption that miscommunications have been had.
I’m …..cautiously trusting. Of this specific relationship. It’s something I want for all of the parties involved.
A massive miscommunication is the truth I’m hoping for. I do believe it’s possible.
But I’m also not foolish enough to know that people have strong opinions. One sided, perhaps misguided, opinions. I’m considering that to be as equally possible of an option as the “miscommunication” one. Honestly, I’m leaning more towards the option where assumptions were made, and opinions were voiced.
I want to know the truth. I want to ask. And be bold.
I’m not sure it’s my place.
I have permission to. But that doesn’t mean I should.
The conversations I’ve had on my end have been….good. And reassuring. I can begin to rebuild. Slowly, but….it’s there.
It’s the other person. The person who I don’t have nearly as much of an established relationship with. The person who I’ve HAD to blindly put a loooootttttttttttt of trust into.
This person doesn’t know me at all. They don’t know my past. My story. My trauma, abuse, pain, thoughts feelings or actions. They have the word of a person who historically isn’t just the absolute best at communicating. Not intentionally, but not describing things accurately. This person will agree to that description of themselves.
I have to deal with this person a lot. More often than *my* person has to deal with them. But in a SIGNIFICANTLY different capacity.
At the end of the day, I can see it all for what it is. Grand miscommunication, bold opinions stated off fact and observation, and everything in between. I can see the truth and honesty on all sides of it.
I can understand all sides of it.
That doesn’t make it hurt less.
This is a journey of…..confidence and security vs self hatred.
This persons opinion holds a lot of weight. I think the biggest question is….does it hold MORE weight than my own. Than *our* own. We live the day to day. We know the truth. I know the truth.
Am I too close to see what this person sees?
Or is this person too far to see what I see?
I think I know the answer. My heart tells me that I know the answer.
Still, I’m hurt. And feeling really shaken, and insecure, and broken. I don’t think I’ll ever get the answers I’m seeking. Not directly.
For now…I’m hurt. But working through it.
Using the tools that I have to be productive and not destructive.
This is something I want to speak directly and openly about.
I don’t know if it’s my place. I don’t know if I should. Or if I’m allowed to.
There’s so much going on right now. The trip to the NIH being the most immediate and huge. Yet this feels bigger. It feels more urgent.
I have a good relationship with the person on the outside. They’re a person I like. And enjoy being around. It’s a person I said I would trust until I’ve been given a reason not to.
I’m hurt and saddened that this might just be my reason not to. Not to trust anymore. I had a lot of hope. A lot.
I’m terrified now that…..
1, that hope is gone.
And 2……that this person’s assertions of MY situation is perhaps more accurate than I’ve accounted for.
I don’t think that’s the case.
But….
Hurt.
I’m hurt.
And I don’t know how to proceed.