It’s depression

This feeling? The loneliness and the sadness and the apathy and the irritability and hopelessness and fear…it’s depression.

The wanting to sleep all the time…wanting to suddenly self medicate more than usual, the crying yourself to sleep at night because you feel alone and so trapped with your thoughts and feelings…it’s the depression.

It’s always there, but it makes its presence known more loudly and aggressively sometimes.

The universe seems to be feeding the depression right now. With isolation, new traumas, and all the weird stuff you can think of. The depression is full, and it’s thriving.

I thought I was okay, until I realized last night, a few drinks in and a lot of tears later, that I wasn’t. Everything I’ve been suppressing, holding back…everyone I was trying to be strong for…it all fell apart. And I didn’t know where to go. Or who to turn to.

The people in my life still need me to support them. It all feels very one sided right now. Normally, that’s fine. I don’t mind. I take care of my people and will until the day that I die. But…it really hurts when I need someone too. And I know that my burden isn’t theirs to bear.

I’m holding onto the fact that tomorrow is Monday. And Monday means therapy. You’d think I’d run out of things to say or think or talk about…but life just keeps on dishing out more.

Yeah. Today, I feel like shit. Yesterday I did too. So I’m sitting here, drinking my Truly, thinking about all the things I want to do…yet can’t seem to force my body to do….

And I’m realizing that it’s the depression. It’s strong and loud and bold.

Now, we work to shut it down. Make it quiet. And stay in the background.

I just hope we can achieve that rather quickly.

Because this? It fucking sucks.