Well…we’re here! We’re officially in the “my brain can’t handle life anymore and I’ll probably ruin any and everything around me” mode.
My birth son’s 10th birthday is exactly 2 weeks away. The service for my husbands dad who passed away a few weeks ago happens to be the same day.
Life is so impossible right now.
The emotions surrounding my son and his birthday are just suffocating. I’ve been pushing them down and suppressing them….living in pure survival mode for weeks, even months now.
I’m short, everyone’s noise is suddenly 200% louder, things feel so chaotic and I just don’t feel like I can function.
Nothing makes me happy or smile, I can’t force it or fake it anymore…I just feel completely dead inside. And numb.
This year would’ve been hard enough. In the adoption world, it’s pretty well known that any birthday that ends in a 5 or a 0 is a hard one. And this one, 10…it feels impossible.
The circumstances surrounding this year make it sooo much more complicated. Between the (for some completely unknown to me reason) suddenly distant relationship with his adoptive parents, and the uncertainties with my husband attending his dad’s service….it’s just all too much.
I don’t have it in me. I don’t have the strength to do it all and still show up and follow through with the expectations placed upon me.
I’m supposed to make a plan for how my day is going to go on his birthday. I do have therapy that day…which is about the only helpful thing I can think of, but other than that? I don’t know.
Right now, I’m hiding in music, as I always do when grief hits the hardest.
I’ve specifically been avoiding music for the past few weeks…I know the impact it has on me. And I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with myself. But it’s not a choice anymore.
The emotions are here…whether I’m ready to accept them or not.
Since music is my thing anyway, maybe it’s just something I need to lean into anyway. I find myself to be the most vulnerable in music…and maybe I just need to let it happen.
My brain is chaos. My life is chaos. I feel hurt and sad and alone.