Sinking or swimming

I’m drowning faster than I am able to pop my head up above the surface to catch my breath.

It all keeps piling on. Like weights added to my feet.

I’m trying my best to keep afloat. Get my gasps of air whenever the opportunity presents itself.

But it seems like life is working against me.

Things out of my control. No way for me to influence. Or help.

Out of my hands.

So much of it is out of my hands.

I’m sinking, I’m drowning.

11 days and a handful of hours left.

Life is impossible enough. I don’t need this added grief.

I don’t need all of these added obstacles, all of this added hurt and stress and impossibilities.

The hardest part of how I have so much to say. There is so much on my heart, in my head.

So much that I need to share, want to share.

But I can’t find the words.

This time of year? I can’t ever seem to find the words to match the level or hurt that I feel.

Sinking. Drowning. Gasping for air.

Yet trying so very desperately to keep my head above water.

I need love. And support. And just…..presence. It hurts. And it’s hard.

I don’t want to drown.