Too much pain…nowhere to put it

I am feeling…particularly down tonight. I’m feeling every kind of hopeless that there is. I’m overwhelmed with so much fucking numbness and insane grief and pain all at once.

Grief over the current situation that I’m in (my birth sons birthday coming up next week), and the future ones that I’ll endure (my kids likely fatal at an early age genetic condition).

I just don’t want to do this anymore. It all seems so fucked up. Why should there be so much I have to deal with and go through? Why should it all have to hurt this much?

I just want to shut down. I want to disappear. It honestly just seems stupid to keep going, to keep fighting against a world I’ll never win in. I can never catch up, I can never get ahead.

I can never have peace. It just…it feels like too much. I’m exhausted in every sense of the word. Bad things are coming, my kids health is…it’s shit. They’re both going through a nasty physical regression and they’ve both lost a lot of strength. My 5 year old son already has a wheelchair, and now we’re discussing the same thing for my 3 year old.

It’s a lot. My life is a lot.

It’s too much.

It’s nights like tonight that I want to throw it all away. Throw in the towel. Go to sleep and just never have to wake up. Never have to feel this again. Never have to hurt like this, or deal with it all.

Tonight is too much. Nothing caused it, and nothing can fix it. It’s just what is. And it fucking hurts.

I want to be done. I need a break from it all.