Now don’t lose your fight, kid

Sometimes, things just get so bad that I shut down, even from myself.

I know it seemed like things couldn’t possibly get worse…but I assure you, they did.

The kind of worse where I hit some new lows that I haven’t hit in a few years.

The kind of low that I’d describe as almost as bad as my rock bottom was a few years ago.

It’s been the kind of bad where I don’t even know what to say about it.

I don’t want to talk. Or write.

I don’t want to exist.

I don’t want to exist so badly, in fact, that I made an attempt to not exist anymore a few days ago.

The drinking thing has been not great. And I’m absolutely compensating for how bad things are with an increase in alcohol.

I don’t really know what else to say, but I think I need to force myself to say something. To keep writing. And to keep talking. Even if I don’t want to, even if it’s hard.

It doesn’t get much more honest than this text I sent my best friend a few days ago, so I’ll just go ahead and let those words speak for me. This is where I am in life right now. It isn’t great, and it’s beaten the shit out of me. But I’m still here. And I’m still trying. ——-

Last night (a few days ago at this point) was the equivalent of one other night I’ve experienced.
I think I’ve had 2 serious suicide attempts within the past however many years.
One of them being that really awful night a few years ago that I consider to be “should’ve been my rock bottom”

And the other was last night.
No one knows. Today felt like that, like I did after the time a few years ago.
Waking up when I shouldn’t have. When I didn’t deserve to. When I can’t remember the night before. When I wake up with regrets……with cuts all over me in hidden places because I was sure the combination of drugs and alcohol would kill me, and therefore didn’t care about anything else.

It’s something I want to talk about. But obviously can’t. There have been 2 nights that felt……awful, brutal and deadly over the past few years. One was my rock bottom. And the other was last night. I guess I’m just not sure what to do with that.

———

I feel like I’m in a less scary place than I was a few days ago…but honestly, not by much.

Tomorrow I have therapy. And, for a lot of reasons, it will be brutal. She’s been absolutely fucking amazing lately, and dealing with me far more than any one person should have to deal with anyone. She’s been my rock these last few months while the world shit down lava on me. And she knows everything that’s been going on…with the exception of what’s happened over the past few days.

My husband is also supposed to be coming tomorrow night, per my request, with his therapist.

That’s the part I’m worried about. I have a lot to say. And a lot of feelings that I need to voice. I’m worried I’ll shut down and give in, instead of voicing my needs. I’m angry and upset and hurt and life has been just horrible lately.

And I need the space to be honest about it. Even if people don’t want to hear about it.