The back of my phone case boldly states that Healing is not linear.
And no, it is not.
Nothing about trauma or pain or past awful experiences fades quietly or easily into the background.
Everyone deals with things differently, and there is no right or wrong when it comes to healing, or the timeline that comes with it.
In terms of progress and healing and just….not fucking things up and getting worse? I feel like up until recently, I’ve been doing pretty okay. I’ve been making slow, ever so slightly noticeable progress. I mean, at the very least, things were stable and not getting worse. (Right?)
But with everything that’s gone on this year, our 2 vehicles being totaled within weeks on each other, 2 kids being hospitalized with pretty serious issues, the NIH, and the list goes on and on in a pretty big way…..any kind of path to “healing” I was on was severely disrupted.
I started pushing EVERYONE away again. My husband, my friends, my therapist…everyone. Some people let you, they don’t fight back much. That’s fine, I brought it on myself.
But then there are the ones who get it. Get it more than I do even. Who are there, and constantly reminding me that they aren’t going anywhere.
The biggest thing that we’ve been working on in therapy for the past few years has been attachment.
Well, there have been some things that have come up recently (outside of therapy) that has shaken my attachment issues to its core, and fucked me up even further beyond belief.
Cue, push them ALL away. Not only that, but dive head first into an ungodly cycle of addiction…one that I’ve only seen in myself a few times over my lifetime.
I had therapy on Friday, just an hour, an extra session that week (because we all know I need the extras right now). And as I was talking about some of the things going through my head, and some of my actions, her response kind of hit me in a weird way.
It was just so….simple. Like “well, yeah. Of course that’s what’s going on.” That’s my cycle. It’s my cycle of addiction. And like…obviously. Right?
Except for that I didn’t even pick up on that. How they’re correlated, how they go together. At least for me.
Push everyone away, isolate myself, build these walls around myself, shut down, and fuck myself up with whatever substances sound good at the moment.
Yeah, I can see it. That’s what I do.
I guess it’s just been a second since I’ve felt…just….this level of bad.
My therapist is doing the best thing for me right now. Probably the only thing I can think of to help get me through this bullshit rough patch.
Being there. And reminding me, probably more than necessary, that she’s there. She’s not mad at me (yet), she isn’t going anywhere, and I haven’t pushed her away (yet).
I’m still mad at her for quite literally zero reason at all. It’s just part of me pushing people away. I have enough logic to know that I’m not actually mad at her. Or anyone.
But I’m keeping everyone at a distance.
Tomorrow night is therapy, and weather pending, we’ll go to the park for the first time since last year.
I don’t want to feel guarded, or scared, or artificially angry. I want to trust. And be open.
Last week, she asked me how long I was going to be “mad” at her. And I said “until I’m too sad and broken to be angry”.
The anger, the facade that it is, gives way to the brokenness and sadness eventually.
It usually doesn’t take too long.
I don’t know if I’m there yet. If I’m ready to bow my head and wave the white flag. I haven’t surrendered my heart to admitting that I need other people yet.
There are few people in my life who deserve my trust as much as my therapist does. She’s definitely done enough to earn it.
She isn’t going anywhere….but that’s just what she tells me.
Actions change. People change. People make different decisions all the time.
She isn’t going anywhere. That’s something I want to believe. Need to believe.
But…do I?
I guess the only way to know for sure is to keep pushing.
If I push hard enough, withdraw deep enough…maybe it seems like a choice. Maybe it is. But there’s also a part of it that doesn’t feel like a choice. That feels….unintentional and unavoidable.
I don’t want this. I want people. Love. Support. Help.
But I don’t, can’t, get hurt anymore.
And the people I need the most?
They’re the ones I run from the fastest. Because they are the ones who have the power to hurt me the most.
I can’t get any more hurt, and I’m terrified of making myself vulnerable. Opening myself up to the possibility of it.
Healing isn’t linear. I’m on an upside down curve headed straight for the bottom.
I won’t get there…I won’t hit the bottom.
But I’m certainly not in the path of progress right now either.
