Sometimes, things get bad enough that you can’t ignore it anymore. You see the red flags, you know they’re coming…but are you strong enough (or smart enough) to stop it?
I feel like I’m marching amongst a parade of red flags, laughing silently behind their backs that they won’t catch me. They won’t drag me down.
The wrong things are getting bigger right now. I don’t like the direction I’m heading in.
Red flags. They’re screaming at me. And I’m laughing at them.
Things will be fine. I’ve been here before and I got out of it.
But…did I? Was it really so easy? Because I’m pretty sure it took me years to pull myself out it. And I only just barely did.
When it comes to addiction, at least for me…the worse it gets, the worse it gets.
Meaning, the more I drink or (whatever else)…the more I drink. It becomes easier. Normal. Part of the equation. It has this intense, multiplying effect. And it doesn’t take long until it’s this whole huge thing that I simply have no control over.
I’m on that path right now. I see it clearly. The warning signs are there, the red flags waving high in the sky begging for my attention.
To be honest, it already feels bigger than me. It feels like something that’s gotten out of hand. Every night gets a little darker, a little deeper into it. Subtle enough to the outside world that no one is the wiser. But my mentality about it is changing. It’s getting more…urgent.
I try to be as open and honest and vulnerable as I can be. It’s been my mission to do that for others. Write my truth as brutally honest as it is, so they don’t feel the shame in their story. I’ve always believed that honest conversations pave the way for more honest conversations. And I write the way I do because I wanted to start that conversation.
But talking about this, talking specifically about addiction…either in writing or in person…it’s one I run from. I don’t speak on it directly or boldly. I’m vague, I leave parts out, or I just ignore it all together.
I don’t hold the power in the relationship between myself and alcohol. If I did, it wouldn’t scare me so much. If I did, I could talk about it without wanting to shut down and run away.
There’s a lot going on, and a ton going through my head.
Part of my fears is not knowing if I can trust the people in my life enough with it. Will they judge me? Misunderstand what I’m trying to say?
I don’t know. Every one of my biggest red flags is here. Trying to warn me. Trying to stop me.
Yet I can’t talk about it. Or think about it.
I can’t look it in its face and see it for what it is.
It already has so much power over me.
