Me, every morning waking up after another long night –
I’m ready to be sober. I don’t want to keep doing this. It’s killing me.
Me, every night at around 7:30pm –
Alcohol is all I have. I could never be sober.
Why? Why does it have to be so hard?
How can I be so caught in the middle of two wildly opposing thoughts?
I want to feel better. That is the goal. Yet, the time of day seems to greatly influence what the definition of “better” might be.
Healed, whole, present…..or numb. Distant. Afraid. Keeping everyone away. Not having to deal with the hard head on.
It seems easy. It seems simple. Maybe it even seems obvious.
But when addiction has had your throat for the better part of 15 years? (And I’m not even yet 30?)
The answer gets a bit fuzzier.
I’m sorry. That must be so hard! I wish you strength and hope you will beat this addiction one day. 💖
I can manage it when I can manage it. But sometimes it gets too big. And right now, it’s too big.
How did you manage it before? Can you recall that thought process and try to repeat it?
The only thing that I can with certainty say that’s worked is when I get pregnant. Forces me into sobriety immediately, and it stays that way until it no longer *has* to be that way.
We’ve talked about doing EMDR to help with it for a few years now, but I’ve never been “ready”. Or as open and vulnerable as I need to be for it to work.