I hate myself for what I cannot do on my own.
And I’m hurt that I’ve voiced, expressed, and even somewhat pleaded my desire to get sober. Or at least get back to my baseline.
Because the rate at which I’m drinking far more than my agreed upon “stable and average” is increasing dangerously fast.
I don’t like it. I don’t like the path that I’m on. And I hate admitting when it gets too big. But I know I can’t do anything about it on my own.
I’ll cling to my toxic relationship with alcohol for as long as I can. Until I’m seconds away from my last breath.
And only then, when I’m seconds away from it squeezing the life out of me, do I admit that it’s too strong for me to manage myself.
I’m admitting this now.
But I can’t do it on my own.
If I could, I would have. Time and time again.
But I need my people to have my back and to push me where I need to be pushed.
It’s hard to be open.
And when I am, when I’m as honest as I feel like I have been, but I don’t feel heard…I run the other way.
I shut down.
And I give up.
Obviously, I’m hopeless.
What’s the first thing you can think of that would be a step in the right direction that YOU can control?
Being honest about things. Which is what I feel like I’ve tried to do. And that isn’t easy. So I’d prefer not to have to be that bold again. 😞
I’m proud of you for being honest. Keep repeating yourself if needed. You are too important to give up on.
I know. And that’s something I’m desperately trying to keep in mind as I walk into therapy tomorrow night. Although it doesn’t seem terribly hopeful.
You can do it!! I believe in you ❣️