I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have some massive anxiety about walking into therapy later tonight.
It’s no secret that last week just did not at all go well.
Which is fine! It’s fine. Not every week is going to be great or positive or easy. That’s not real life, that’s not how it works, and every single relationship, therapeutic or otherwise, has challenges and ebbs and flows.
I understand all of that. It makes sense.
Does the eliminate the anxiety I feel walking in after a week that was complete shit? No, it does not.
There’s definitely a really big part of me that wants to fall back into old patterns and self medicate before I go in. But I know that’s not the right answer. Especially when we’re trying to keep moving forwards, not backwards.
I don’t want to shut down when I’m in there. I don’t want my head to scream a million thoughts all at once at me while my mouth refuses to open. It’s frustrating. For me, I’m sure for her as well….its just not what I want.
I don’t know how tonight will go, I really don’t. But I won’t go in there anticipating it to be bad. I’m going to try to be open. And normal.
It’s just that I don’t know how to start conversations or bring up anything when I feel all weird like this. I can try to be normal all I want, but that doesn’t mean it won’t fall apart 3.5 seconds into it when she asks what we should talk about or do today and I just die on the inside because I know that isn’t a question I can answer.
There’s too many things. And my head wants to shut it all down instead of opening it up. Depression is a bitch right now. So everything is hard. Even without the added layers of hard, it would’ve been hard tonight.
I’ll do my best. I always do.
And just MAYBE….tonight will go better than my anxiety tells me it will.
Could you practice an opening line for the first topic you could talk about? Maybe that will get the conversation flowing.
Usually that looks like “here I made you a _____!” Because I’ve been crocheting a lot lately and I like bringing them in. But yeah, coming in with a more concrete idea of a path I want to go down or talk about is usually always helpful. It just gets hard when there are so many things to pick from
One topic at a time. You can do this 😘