Kicking it off…right?

I know the first question you have on your mind this morning is did she go to therapy last night in the middle of a hurricane on her 30th birthday?

And the answer to that question is yes, yes I did.

There was no world where I just couldn’t go. I couldn’t stay home and not get potentially yelled at for 2 hours and feel super uncomfortable because my anxiety is insanely bad and I know how badly I’m fucking things up! No, I couldn’t start my 30th year by possibly missing out on that! (But for real, 95% of the time things go well and I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t go, especially with how I was feeling last night.)

I pretty much did nothing but sit home and watch the radar and my favorite weather guy on YouTube (yes, I have a favorite weather guy on YouTube. Doesn’t everyone?) So I was very in tune with what the weather was doing and going to do. Strangely, there happened to be a break in the storm basically exactly between 6-8pm, right when I’d be at therapy. So as far as safety goes, I felt safe enough making the choice to go instead of canceling and staying home.

Finally, after weeks of weirdness and just fucking me feel awful and terrible and anxious, it went really well.

Possibly because of my attitude going in, possibly because I just felt more heard or understood about things, but it just felt…productive.

I definitely walked in with a “tonight won’t go badly, let’s get shit done and be direct and bold and productive” kind of attitude. I just…it wasn’t about to be one of those therapy nights that leaves me feeling…bad. I feel like maybe we were on the same page about that.

And it was productive. And maybe even hopeful. I felt more heard and seen on certain issues than I have in previous weeks. So, I mean, we’ll see.

The motivation for things to be different, like I detailed in my post a few days ago, is still there. Did I give up on it? Yeah, oh some level I did. And it felt really hopeless and awful.

But after leaving last night, I feel like…maybe, just MAYBE, we can hang onto that hope for just a little bit longer. We can still fight the fight and get to a place in my life that is healthier and happier and more peaceful.

I do feel like I’m in a place in my life where I feel like change is possible. Being sober feels, maybe just like there’s a 1% chance of actually being attainable.

I don’t know. I just…misery can’t be the only defining word to my life. There has to be more.

Both of the big kids will be in school this fall for the first time, leaving me with the ability to feel like any kind of good feeling is even possible. I’ll still have my toddler at home with me for a good while, but he isn’t chaos. He isn’t just pure wild animal like those other two are (yet). 🙃

I don’t know. Like I said, I just feel weird. I feel like it’s possible.

Like things aren’t just completely and totally hopeless.