Wait, am I proud of myself?

(This post goes somewhere cool, so hang around for the ride if you’re interested in what I’m trying to get at.)

In case you didn’t know, and now you can’t say that you didn’t know, Eminem released a new album at midnight (11pm for me) last night.

And ohhhhhhh boy.

I am *strong* in my hip hop/rap/really anything with lyrics that inspire or mean anything important era. Lyrics and words mean literally everything, and different genres hit hard at different moments in life. This particular era seems to have absolutely thrown me deep into the realm of hip hop. And I’m here for it.

(And if you want to talk Kendrick and Drake? I’ve got hours worth of thoughts on that one 😉)

While this post has little to actually do with music, it is important to understand just HOW extremely hyped I was for this album to release.

I was the angry/neglected/abused kid growing up. Eminem spoke the words I was feeling that I never would’ve otherwise been able to express. I could go on all day long about songs and music and the impact that it’s had on me. (Looking at you, Cleaning Out Your Closet)

Now, of course, you know that as soon as the album drops at 11pm, I’m not moving from my spot until I’ve listened to the whole thing in its entirety from top to bottom.

But, 11pm is late(ish). And you know I’m already a few drinks in. The typical thing (for me) to do would be to rev up the drinking the more excited/happy/amped up for something I am.

So it’s late. We’re listening to it, and more than that, we’re dissecting it. Breaking it down, what does it mean, what is he really saying…that kind of thing.

And I want another drink. Oh, how fucking badly do I want one. Need one.

A few days ago, we went to the store before we picked up the kids from camp. And I got a lot of weird things. I got kombucha (I HATE kombucha, but my husband drinks it all the time and I asked him to pick out a flavor I might not hate). I got ginger ale (my favorite airline drink yet not one I regularly drink at home), I got sugar free lemonade/lemon waters, and a few other things.

The reason behind all of that…to attempt to find a tolerable replacement drink for alcohol for those moments when more alcohol isn’t a good choice.

I wanted nothing more than to drink as much as I knew I could’ve. My brain works differently. And for the deep and emotional dive I was taking into exploring a new album from one of my favorite artists, (a conceptual album at that!), alcohol was the only option.

Except…I didn’t. I didn’t pour that next drink. As much as I wanted it, I didn’t need it. I didn’t. And as much as I could’ve handled it, and tried to convince myself to let my wants override my logic…I drank the fucking kombucha instead.

Why? I don’t know.

Because I’m trying, maybe.

Because there’s a bigger part of me that wants to be sober rather than staying in this place of addiction, maybe.

And maybe because the entire fucking point of the album, which was MASTERFULLY done, is all about this internal struggle. This internal conflict between Marshal Mathers (Eminem) and his “bad guy” alter ego, Slim Shady. Almost a good vs evil conundrum.

He’s trying to bury his past, his conflict creating, offensive, and filterless persona who exists solely to tear others down…whether they deserve it or not.

The bottom line

This was a lot of words to say that, for the first time probably literally ever, I made an intentional choice to not choose alcohol. I’m not saying that I didn’t drink anything…I did. I had my typical amount up until that point. But I didn’t keep going. Even though in every other instance, I would have.

Am I proud of myself? Maybe.

Did I bury the point of this post in between a lot of words about music that the majority of you won’t care about?

Sure did.

It’s all interconnected for me. Music. Addiction. Hope. Sobriety. Strength that comes from music. From other people and their stories. Eminem himself, a huge addict now in recovery and thriving. Living a life he never thought possible.

So, am I proud of myself? I took a small step. But I haven’t ever taken a step like that before.

I didn’t talk about it, I didn’t mention it to my husband…I just….grabbed a different drink.

And maybe that’s something.

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I’ll end this post with a video you never new you needed. My 20 month old with pretty significant speech delays LOVES anything with a strong and heavy rhythm. The harder it hits, the more he loves it. It’s actually very typical in kids with ADHD and autism, or even just kids with speech delays, to feel calm and organized with this genre of music. It actually soothes and calms them and helps them to better be able to process speech.

(So don’t come at me for playing explicit songs with him in the car! I never do with the big kids in the car, just when I’m alone with him. It’s OT approved (his therapist), and on top of all of that, it’s absolutely hilarious and adorable.)