It isn’t perfect, but it’s something

I’m still struggling to find my footing in this new reality I find myself in. Ya know, the one where I lost arguably my biggest and most consistent support system out of literally nowhere and completely all of a sudden.

It’s been really challenging thinking about the next. The forward. I very much feel stuck in the right this second. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s where I need to be living. Not looking ahead, not planning what comes next…but living exactly right now.

Honestly, even if it’s not the most right choice, it’s all I can do right now.

Last night, I did something I should’ve done months ago. I booked my flight to Utah for a birth mom retreat that I’m supposed to go on in…..6 days.

Yup, that’s right. I’m supposed to be going on a retreat next week from the 10th-13th and I just last night booked my flight for it.

To be honest, there was an insanely large part of me that wanted to back out altogether and just not go. The idea of going to something as hugely triggering as a birth mom retreat, a BRAND NEW one (to me) at that, where I have never been there or met any of those people aside from possibly 2 of them…

Well, on my best day it would be a struggle. And I am not living in my best days.

Going on retreats, even if they’re meant to be a source of support with other birth moms who know exactly what it’s like to be in the extremely difficult situation of having placed a child for adoption, is very, very hard for me.

They set me back a lot. They open up all of the wounds I fight every other day other than year to keep closed. The darkest parts of me get opened up, and they don’t close again so easily.

I usually do have a sort of mental breakdown for the few weeks after a retreat, and my mental health absolutely does plummet. Last May, when I went to my last one, was especially rough for a lot of reasons. But coming home, I completely crashed and just couldn’t do it.

And do you know what helped? Support from my people. Feeling loved and heard and supported through it. My friends being there.

Therapy.

Therapy sure helped. A lot.

But now? Just, nope. None of that anymore.

There’s so much I have to say, and so much that I’m feeling about this whole situation, and I just don’t know where to put it.

I think she gave me the option to have 2 more sessions with her, but nothing was scheduled (like they usually already are) and I’m not sure if she even wants to hear from me again.

I have so much that needs to be said, and honestly, so much that I need to hear to make sense of it all as well. And I just don’t know if I’ll get that opportunity.

While I don’t feel strong or secure or any kind of safe right now mentally…I have been doing a pretty good job keeping my shit together.

I did have a full week of just…full on not being okay. I was drinking…a lot….and had no intentions on ever trying to be sober ever again, despite doing a fucking amazing job and cutting back before we went away on our trip.

But the past 4 or so nights, I have done a bit better.

I’m not yet in a place where I can just say “okay, I’m done with alcohol forever and I’m never going to drink or make a drink or even look at alcohol ever again”. I’m just not there.

I still do make a drink every night. But I do not always drink it. For the past few nights, I’ve still made the drink, and I’ve had some of it, but I’ve come nowhere near drinking the amount that I usually do. I maybe have a few sips, but really not more than that. I’ve had half of it at most. And still, that’s only one drink, and not the multiple drinks per night that I usually make.

So, is it perfect? No. Is it sober? No, technically it isn’t. But I will say, the small amount that I do drink doesn’t make me feel a damn thing. So in that regard, it does feel “sober”. Even though it isn’t, and I’m not arguing that it is.

But I haven’t had enough alcohol to feel the effects of alcohol in a few days now. And before that, I did my entire vacation mostly alcohol free.

I’m nervous as fuck for my retreat next week. I know what they typically do to me. And I’m not putting any pressure on myself to be sober or to never drink again. That won’t work for me. Not right now, not in this immediate phase of life.

I’m terrified of opening up these wounds, the ones that only adoption or losing a child in other ways knows how to leave. It’s…absolutely awful. And gut wrenching. The grief is unimaginable.

And I’m going to have to do this without the person who I know knows how to support me through it.

Which, frankly, fucking sucks.

I’m happy with how strong my marriage feels right now. Even on our hard days, we’re leaning on each other more than me pushing him away. And when when I feel myself start pushing him away, he’s been a lot better at understanding where I’m coming from and what I really need, and those moments of me telling him to go away (when I really desperately need the opposite) are fewer and further between.

Life is pretty shit right now.

And even still, I’m fighting through it, and I’m doing my best.

I may not be able to think in the future or plan ahead too well or make steps towards tomorrow, but I can take things one second at a time.

So for now, that’s what I’m going to do. Even if it isn’t perfect.