Lost

Yesterday felt…pretty much exactly like I expected it to feel. Just…pretty gross and pretty lonely.

I’m struggling, but in ways that feel unexpected.

I’m honestly struggling just to like, do the normal human being things. Like folding laundry. Or shaving my legs. Or eating a meal. And don’t even get me started on trying to leave the house. I’m pretty sure we just call that depression, but I don’t know. It almost feels like that isn’t the best word for it.

I think if one word were to describe how I’m feeling most accurately, it would be lost.

I just feel lost.

The only thing I know how to do is go through the motions and just keep going. There is no stopping, there is no slowing down, there is no time or space for feelings or emotions or questions or anything of the sort.

I feel lost. And everything feels messy. I don’t like this feeling of just….feeling so completely alone. And like even if I wanted to take a step…any direction I pick is the wrong one. So I just should make any steps.

So I freeze.

And that feels wrong too.

There isn’t enough chocolate in the world to get through this season of being so lost.

Thankfully, Derek booked me a massage for tonight, so I can at least hope to be rid of some of the physical pain that’s been horrific for the past few weeks. This flare up has been no joke, and I’m absolutely over it.

Here’s to hoping for a better tomorrow.

Anyway, here’s a video I took last night of Atlas when I was getting his pajamas on. They’re my favorites print of Little Sleepies, pickles playing pickleball. And oh boy was he doing an interesting job trying to say it. It made me smile, and lately, that’s worth pretty much everything. I can’t believe he’s going to be TWO in 10 days.