Why do I feel so nothing?

My world feels like nothing right now. Yet, it feels impossibly heavy all at the same time.

And that’s something that has always confused me.

How can something be so nothing, and yet so damn everything all at once?

How can it mean so much to me, and at the same time…so nothing to the rest of the universe?

How can it all feel so big to me, yet so truly insignificant in the grand scheme of things?

It so often feels like I’m living in an entirely different reality than the rest of the population is.

Like, how can I see certain things so clearly for what they really truly are, when it sometimes seems like I’m the only one out there who can? Who sees the truth for what it really is?

I just feel so lost right now. I feel so small in a world that feels impossibly huge and not practical to navigate.

Does anything even make sense anymore?

How can things be so messy and so convoluted… when I feel like I can clearly see my own path to success?

Why are there so many obstacles that are not mine to control, and how do I move them out of my way?

Is it even possible?

I feel so very nothing right now. In a heaviness that feels even more so very everything.

And I’m struggling to make sense of it all. I’m struggling to find my place.

To be honest, I’m struggling to accept that this fight is worth it.

I’m struggling to fight the strength to fight the addiction that wants to take over, despite the logic and the heart in me that has so desperately been trying to fight against it.

I’m struggling to find the acceptance. That those that I need are gone. That those that I want, I can’t have.

And that those that I have…are perhaps not mine to keep.

Life feels so fucking heavy right now. And none of it makes sense.

What I do know for sure is that I need a disgusting amount of love. The in your face, hi here I am and I’m not going anywhere kind of love. The kind that’s annoying and obnoxious and over the top and just very, very exactly what I need.

I don’t trust a world that’s taught me not to trust it.

I don’t listen to words when life experience has taught me otherwise. And I struggle to accept you at face value, when I know that two seconds later, you may change your mind and walk away.

My trauma is haunting me.

But at the same time, it isn’t. Honestly, it’s protecting me. Because my experiences have taught me that I’m correct. That people leave. That they’ll hurt you. And that I can’t trust them.

I feel so small right now. Like a speck of dust just waiting to be whisked away by the next bee that flies by.

I want to be stronger.

But it’s hard to be strong when I feel just oh so insignificant.