A winless fight

I feel like I’m in a helpless battle right now.

A fight that I cannot win. And despite my own best efforts and incredible fight against these demons, I’m not coming out on top.

Fear is winning.

Insecurity is winning.

Addiction is winning.

I don’t know exactly what the most defining shift was, but I sure do have a guess.

Getting left, losing the most secure relationship that I knew to be real….losing my safe place in its entirety.

Yeah, I’d say that was a pretty huge contributing factor.

I was doing so well. SO fucking well!!!

I had the most consecutive hours (yes, HOURS!) without alcohol than I have collectively in about 15 years (with the exception of pregnancies, because those don’t count. Those are 100% guaranteed sober because I don’t fuck around with that).

And now…well, I’ve tried to lean on my people, to lean into “support”…but it’s falling flat. My support isn’t supportive in the ways that I needed it to be. Speaking most notably to those late at night moments. When I specifically feel unsafe, and in need of extra love and reassurance.

I just feel like nothing matters. My voice and my heart aren’t being heard.

And when I’m not getting the support that I’m telling the world that I need externally, that’s when I seek it internally.

So, yeah.

Addiction is winning. Alcohol is winning. Death is winning. Hopelessness is winning.

And I fucking hate it so damn much.

Which only makes it win all the more quickly.