When your motivation is like the weather, you can probably count on exactly nothing to have a significant or lasting change.
According to the dictionary, motivation is described as: the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way.
It can also be defined as: the general desire or willingness of someone to do something.
And that’s the thing about motivation. It’s fluid, constantly changing and wavering, and can be a less reliable source of change if it’s not strong enough.
How can you possibly expect to have any kind of meaningful change in your life if your motivation is like the weather…constantly changing with no substance behind it?
That’s how I’m feeling right now. And I’m frustrated as hell with myself.
Right now, I feel stuck in an impossible decision. I feel pressure to pick between the 2 new therapists I’ve been trying out. I see value in both of them.
They are both so different in their personalities and I see merit in both of them and their differing ways of possibly helping me….but I obviously can’t have both. And I can’t afford to have 2 therapists for a few weeks while I figure it out. It’s a choice I absolutely don’t want to fuck up. My mental health can’t afford me making the wrong choice here.
Every time I have an appointment with one of them, it feels kind of good and okay while I’m there…but then there’s just this immediate crash and like insane grief of missing MY therapist and what was, and what still should be.
A huge part of my motivation to suddenly and ACTUALLY be sober WAS my therapist. It really was. I was doing it because I think on a deeper level, I really did feel like I felt safe enough in our relationship to do something as hard as trying to get sober for the first time in literally forever….and actually mean it.
It just seems like I lost everything all at once. Including any strength and motivation I had. And everything now just feels triggering. Therapy with these new therapists, talking about alcohol, trying to be sober…it’s all just one giant slap in the face that I am a fuck up.
I’ve NEVER been as successful as I was in those few weeks surrounding my Disney Cruise and then my birth mom retreat in Utah shortly after. I’ve not been willingly (besides pregnancies) sober a single moment that I didn’t have to be. It’s just crazy how fast it all went away. And I hate myself for it.
Because even in the moment. Even when I’m making that next drink. Thinking “this won’t make me happier, I’ll probably feel worse and I shouldn’t do this”, I’m not strong enough to make another choice. Or I can’t, or maybe I just don’t want to. But it sucks. And it makes me hate myself that much more.
Every time I fail, I hate myself even more. And the self hatred fuels the addiction. Which fuels the self hatred. And it’s such a fucked up cycle that I can *so clearly* see. But I just can’t get off the ride. And it sucks.
I let things ramp back up in terms of alcohol and drinking for a little while there. I lost any and all motivation that I had. But that isn’t what I want for myself.
I woke up this morning, after a night of reaching out to a friend and trying to talk and open up about it, trying to remember to love myself and not to hold onto so much hate towards myself.
My life is hard. And there’s a lot of loss. It’s constantly one thing after another. It really truly is. And alcohol helps. In the moment, it does its job. Until it doesn’t, and until I realize just how quickly I’m not the one in control. Despite how much it may seem like I am.
So, this morning is holiday drinks from Starbucks. It’s allowing the people who love me to actually love me.
And it’s giving myself permission to start over. Today is a new day. A new week.
And the forecast I’m predicting is a week of bright and sunny motivation.
Every day we s a new day to start over. And that’s what I’m going to do today.
Enjoy your coffee ☕️ 😘