I’ve lived through a lot of hurt in my 30 years of life. A lot of pain, trauma, abuse…you name it, I’ve been through it.
So it makes sense why I have this deep rooted inability to trust people. Because in my experience, people are untrustworthy, people hurt you, and that that’s the only constant in life.
Because of my experiences, I put up these massively thick brick walls to protect myself from the world around me. If people can’t get close enough to me, if I don’t allow them in, they can’t hurt me.
I’ve reached a point in my life where I can’t handle just a ton more pain. I’ve had far more than my fair share amount of it and honestly, maybe my heart deserves a little bit of protection.
But one thing I’ve learned is that the walls hurt me too. They prevent me from getting what I really need out of life, which are those vulnerable, loving and safe relationships.
I’m constantly fighting this battle between wanting to be this open person, wear my heart on my sleeve, love everyone and be a safe place for everyone who needs it, and be able to give of myself…and wanting to protect myself from all of the hurt and pain that comes with that vulnerability.
With friends, with new therapists, with everyone. It’s a constant choice that I have to make each and every moment. Put the walls up? Be in protection and self preservation mode? Or allow myself to be vulnerable, and potentially open to the possibility of once again getting hurt?
It’s a hard line for me to walk, and it’s one that I wish I didn’t have to. I wish it were easier to me to allow myself to be vulnerable, to trust and to keep my heart open. But it isn’t easy.
I find myself feeling the extra burden of pain on Mondays lately. Because what they are not isn’t what they should be, what they once were, and what I wish they still could be. They aren’t safe and hopeful like they were for an entire decade, when they ended with therapy, my only known safe place.
I’m feeling better about new therapist Becky lately, and I think it’s helping with the sting of the Monday…but I’m still definitely feeling a certain type of way this morning.
My heart is feeling very exposed, like it’s just right there out in the open without the luxury of a rib cage to protect it. And I just don’t want to keep getting hurt.
But allowing yourself to love and allowing yourself to grow and feel hopeful and to be the person I want to be, the person that is so authentically me, it unfortunately allows for the possibility of pain.
And I guess that’s just a part of life. One that I’m learning to get just a little bit better at.
Because even if it hurts, and my experiences have taught me that people will always hurt you, and more often than not, things will end with pain….i still don’t want to close myself off and shut down the part of myself that is so desperate to be free.
I deserve for the vulnerable and the hopeful parts of me to be free.
