More so than the days, the nights are filled with layers.
Not only does the silence allow the emotions to become louder, more real, and ever so present…but the physical pain kicks up too.
This is a season of hurt. It’s a flare up like a flare up I haven’t had in a while.
Pain on top of pain, and I only know one solution. One thing to numb it all. To quiet it, if only just a few decibels.
How many times can I keep telling myself tonight is the night at 7am…only to know I’m lying to myself when the urges kick in 12 hours later, and I know I’m not strong enough to overcome them?
In a world where I see so much success controlling everything I do. My actions, my behaviors, my unhealthy urges and thoughts…why is it that I see so much failure with this one fucking demon?
If one of my greatest strengths is self control, restraint, and most of all logic…where the fuck is it when I need it the most? To help me with my greatest challenge, the biggest beast I know?
All I can say is that the panic of pain is loud. It’s a presence I don’t know how to overcome.
And I don’t know which is louder. The physical pain of the flare up, of the unknowns of a fatal genetic disorder, of the parts of life it strips from you due to pain, weakness, inability to function…any of it…….or the mental strain of it all.
The feelings of inferiority.
I am stronger than this shit. I am the strongest person I’ve ever met.
So why the FUCK am I so weak when it comes down to it? When I need to show up the very most?
Where is it then?
Why can’t I see my strengths when I look in the mirror and beg for them to show up?
You’re not weak.
Addiction doesn’t listen to reasoning.
I don’t think you can do this alone, no matter how strong you are.
Sending hugs 🫂
Honestly, outside of writing this vulnerably and honestly (which thank freaking god this outlet exists for me), I haven’t had a honest conversation with anyone in my life about all of this. It feels like it’s gone from 0-10 over night and I just feel so fucking lost and broken.
I can still get it straight. I’ve come back from worse before.
But I think I need to be more transparent with it all. Because I can’t do it alone. Even if that makes me feel like a failure and weak as shit