Shut down, shut off

As great as Christmas is and was, I can honestly say I’m relieved that it’s over. As a parent of 3 young kids, Christmas really, really burns me out.

They kids had a magical and amazing day, and I’m grateful all 3 of them managed to stay healthy and out of the hospital. It was touch and go there for a while dealing with pneumonia, but we made it.

Now that Christmas is over, I’m finally um reflect on the end of the year coming up.

All this year was, what it wasn’t, and everything in between. And while the shitstorm that 2024 was for me will get its own dedicated post, it’s not lost on me that today does feel a certain sense of…down.

I’m one that believes (or at least likes the idea of) years, or other defining events, as chapters. With one ending, and the possibility of a newer, better one beginning.

And as much as I’d like to hope for and believe in a better 2025, I can’t see that happening as things are right now.

I’ve definitely been struggling these past few weeks. With the pressure of Christmas, my sister being here, the kids being sick and then off school for winter break, I’ve definitely been at my peak for bullshit and stress.

The past few days in particular have been extremely difficult with my sister, as I predicted they would be.

I had therapy this morning and I’m glad I was able to go and decompress a little bit. It was also kind of nice to go earlier in the day, especially on a day like today when everyone was home and I could sneak out of the house for a few hours.

Today was hard, and now that it’s winding down, the kids are getting ready for bed and my evening can begin…I’m trying to get right in my head and try to make the most of it.

Nights are my favorite part of the day when my brother is visiting. They are fun and we all laugh and hang out, play games, watch funny things and just have a good time. I love it when he’s here, but I hate it when my sister makes it her mission to ruin it. And oh, does she try.

I can feel the pull of depression trying to make me shut down. I can tell that it’s trying to suck me down into the void of darkness.

But I know that it’s her. I know it’s her darkness sucking the life out of me, her negative energy consuming the spaces in my mind with darkness.

I feel very alone inside my head right now. And that’s not somewhere that feeling alone feels good or safe for me.

Tonight feels a lot like shutting down and giving up. But I’m fighting against the darkness pulling me in with everything I have.

Unfortunately, the holidays and business of it all is a really good excuse for isolating and withdrawing from everyone. But in reality, I’m simply just so exhausted and burnt out.

I’m hurting right now for sure. And I’m just hoping I can get through this next week relatively unscathed.