Are the tides turning?

Last night was quite a different night than I feel like I’ve had in months.

For the first time I think since literally September…I didn’t want to drink last night.

I made one drink, drank it slower than usual, and just really had no desire for any more. So I didn’t have more.

We went to bed early (like, 10:45 lol which is crazy early for me), and I didn’t even have a massive panic attack going to bed sober like I usually do whenever I drink less than normal and try to go to sleep early. So…I mean…that kind of feels like a huge win?

To be fair and to play devils advocate, I didn’t feel the best, and I’m pretty sure I have a cyst that ruptured and is hurting a shit ton. But even still…that usually doesn’t impact how much I do or don’t drink. If anything, I usually drink more to dull the pain.

Last night definitely did feel significantly different than my nights typically do. It felt good to not want to drink…and then follow through on that by not drinking.

Usually I just do it anyway, or that feeling of not wanting to goes away in like…maybe 15 minutes.

This has been a period of a past few months where I’ve definitely not felt as in control or in the drivers seat as I’d like to when it comes to alcohol. And that makes me feel a very…not good type of way about myself.

I like to win. And succeed. And be good at the things that I strive to be good at. So to be…to fail? At something I’ve been trying for years to succeed at? It’s definitely emotionally trying.

Maybe that’s what courage is though. Trying again and again. Starting over, no many how many times it takes. Never giving up.

And being prepared to try one more time.

Maybe this is my sign to try again. To put some focus back onto sobriety. With things getting back to normal after the holidays, schedules starting to resemble normalcy, and everyone back in their own homes…maybe now is the time to admit that I can try again.

Even if it might suck.

At least I already have half a night under my belt. Maybe I should use that momentum for something.