Where are you?

Dear universe, and the people who live in it…

Where are you?

When I need you, too…where do you go?

I know where I am when you need me…and it’s right there. I’m right there.

If you need me, I’m here.

When you need a shoulder, when you need advice…when you need support…I’m there. I’m your number one. Without question, without hesitation, I show up.

And that’s just who I am.

It isn’t hard for me. It isn’t unnatural. And it isn’t out of character. It’s just…it feels like my job. What I know how to do. What I’m good at.

If you need me, I know how to show up.

And yes, that’s the easy part for me. It’s easier for me to show up for you than it is to ask for support for myself.

And maybe…I don’t know. Maybe that’s how you feel too…but on an opposing level? Maybe it’s easier for you to reach out and ask for help and be vulnerable than it is for you to show up when other people might need it?

I’m not trying to knock you, or make you feel any kind of badly, or anything negative at all. I’m really not.

Although universe, you really truly do feel quite one sided at times. And specifically, at this time.

I feel very there for everyone else right now. Which is soooooo within my character. And so normal. And honestly just so comforting. It really is. It’s comforting for me to be able to be there for you. For them. For anyone.

But…why is it so hard when I feel like I need that little bit of support or love or just…..anything back?

Universe, I feel so freaking alone right now. I’m so very deep in my struggles, and I really need to be heard.

See, universe, there’s a few very specific things I haven’t said out loud yet. To anyone. Not in writing, not on this blog, to my friends, to my husband…to anyone. And this is the thing I’m currently struggling the most with.

Universe, I’ve tried to open up about it. I really have. To more than one person, on more than one occasion….I’ve boldly but subtly attempted to open the door to this very specific conversation. And gotten nowhere. MORE THAN ONCE.

And that hurts. It really does.

It solidifies the belief I have already so deeply ingrained about myself that I am only here to serve…and that I do not deserve support.

Angry. Frustrated. Hurt. And lonely.

That’s how it feels right now.

In a universe where I have so much to give and so much to offer…and it doesn’t cost me much but who I am naturally as a person….sometimes, just sometimes…I wish I could ask instead of support. Receive instead of give.

I feel so very isolated and alone on this brand new journey I find myself suddenly on. And it’s not one I crave isolation for.

I feel so very lost. And I just need a hand to reach out and pull me in.

So, universe…does that maybe sound okay with you?

Do you think you have it in you to offer support and community and connection for me in addition to me offering it so freely and willingly to those I love?

I don’t mind my role. I really truly and honestly don’t. There’s nothing that makes me feel more fulfilled than showing up for my people in any way I can.

But…universe…please hear me.

I need support too right now.

I feel so fucking lost.

And this isn’t a battle I can win in silence.

Even if I don’t quite have the words to say it yet so boldly…I do need support. And I cannot journey this journey on my own.

This one is too brand new. And I don’t know how to navigate it yet.