A bad gut feeling

Today is the first day since mid December that things have calmed down enough to resume what seems to be our normal schedule and routine.

The kids are back in school for real now with no threats of snow days, my husband is back to working his normal hours and the kids therapy schedule has gone back to its normal days and times.

It has been a solid 3+ weeks of chaos, and I can’t say I’m sad to see it go.

Although I am glad that today finally feels more normal than any day has this past month, it once again did not jump off to the best start.

I woke up and immediately upon waking up, I started having a panic attack and this completely awful feeling of doom about money. Things are getting uncomfortably close to tragic on that end, and apparently my brain and body needed to remind me of that within milliseconds of my eyes opening. Okay, that’s cool I guess.

Then I got a pretty horrific headache that is definitely coming from back/neck pain and tension. I get these headaches all the time when my back needs to be worked on. Unfortunately, they seem to be coming more and more frequently, and getting regularly scheduled massages or chiropractor appointments just isn’t in the cards financially right now.

Because of my genetic disorder, I have very weak muscles. So things move around and don’t get held in place as well as they should be, leading to instability and pain and just more injuries in general. Some months are worse than others pain wise, but I’ve been in a pretty huge flare up the past few weeks that OTC meds just aren’t even touching.

I’m not going to lie, today should feel calm. It should feel peaceful. Knowing that normal is here again and the routine is once again mine and predictable and quieter. But something doesn’t feel right. And I don’t mean physically. I just have a really bad feeling. I’m afraid shit is going to hit the fan, and it will be the final blow.

I don’t know what comes next, I don’t know what the future holds…but my heart is physically beating in a way that is telling me something is wrong.

We were hit with so many tragedies this year…and the way I’m feeling…it’s just that feeling like we’re “due” for the next bad thing. And I’m honestly terrified.

I’m not one to get these kinds of feelings or fears or anxieties about the next terrible thing happening…but I cannot shake this feeling today. I just can’t shake it.

I don’t know what I can do to change any of this. There’s nothing I can do right now to change any trajectory that I’m on. I feel very stuck. And honestly, I feel pretty scared.

There’s not any one specific thing (other than money) that’s giving me this feeling. Like, I don’t know where or what or how I’m expecting this next big bad thing to come. Other than that I just have a bad feeling.

Tomorrow is therapy, and I’ve incredibly anxious for that since it got canceled last week because of snow and ice. I don’t know what to expect going into my appointment tomorrow night, but I am expecting to have some strong feelings coming out of it.

Universe, please don’t do me dirty right now. Please, please play nice. And hey, if you’re feeling generous, maybe even let me catch a break every now and then. I sure could use one.

Please just let my gut feeling be wrong this time. I’ll gladly take being wrong over being right in this situation.