I spent all morning this morning writing a blog post that I’m honestly pretty proud of.
It took a long time, and I poured a lot of heart into it.
It’s completely finished, titled and tags and all.
So why not post it yet?
I don’t know. Something still felt too scary about it.
I couldn’t hit that “publish” button.
And I don’t know why.
I took a more direct approach with it than I thought I was going to at the start of the post…I removed the filters I had self imposed and I just went for it. And I wrote it all out. It felt good to say. It’s the first time I’ve said any of it, either out loud or in writing.
Maybe that’s what felt scary. Maybe it felt too soon. Or maybe I’m still processing, and there might be something else that feels important enough to add.
I wanted to hit that publish button so badly. But I didn’t feel ready. I feel just ever so slightly unprepared for the reality that talking about it will bring.
It’s not a big deal. It’s really not.
Except that it also really kind of is.
I have a lot of processing and self reflection to do today. And for a while, honestly. But I’m ready for it, even if it’s just a little scary.
I wasn’t ready to show up with full honesty and transparency today. I thought I was, but here I am writing this post instead, and being kind of avoidant.
Tomorrow feels less scary and more doable…so I’m going to respect myself on this one and not push it.
I’m not exactly sure if I’ll ever feel “ready” to write about certain topics, but hey. This blog is literally all about vulnerability and honesty and getting through some really hard shit. This is no exception.
Maybe I’ll find the courage to talk about it openly with someone tonight, but I honestly doubt it.
I wrote about it today, which feels like enough. And tomorrow, I won’t be avoidant. And we’ll just rip the bandaid off.
It’s not a big deal.
It just feels like a really big deal.
And that’s okay. It’s a big deal to me, even if it’s really not that big of a deal.
