Over the weekend, I had the worst night I’ve had in…a looooong time.
It ended looking like a lot of really horrific nights from my past. It ended up being me, sitting on the bathroom floor (my runaway from life and want to die place that I go) with a glass of alcohol, and one of my friends calling me to check on me while I low key cried as I realized why I was so triggered to begin with.
I didn’t realize what was going on until I looked at my husband, and the only thing I saw was the fucking scar on his face staring back at me.
And it was then that I realized that we’re coming up on one year of the accident with the deer that ran in through his drivers side window and literally almost killed him. February 13th.
I had no idea how triggering it would be coming up on the year mark. But damn. I didn’t realize how traumatized I still really am by this whole thing.
I seriously didn’t even know it was something I *needed* to process at this point. I mean, not to this extent. For one thing, it didn’t even happen to me. I wasn’t the one in the car. And I feel guilty feeling as strongly as I do about the situation. But a friend reminded me last night that even though I wasn’t in the car, it still very much was a trauma for me.
It’s one of the things I still can’t really talk about. With friends, in therapy, end especially with my husband. But I don’t think I can continue to not deal with it or work through it. It wasn’t until I was absolutely losing my shit and breaking down the other night, that I wondered if I ever even really did process it.
Right after the accident was just pure survival mode. My husband was badly injured, he had a skull fracture, glass still embedded in his face despite the ER removing most of it, bruises and blood covering his entire face, and fucking deer hair and blood EVERYWHERE.
Then right after that, March leading into April, is when our oldest and youngest kids got so sick they were in the hospital for 2 weeks straight, and my oldest was so bad off we truly didn’t know if he could recover.
And then in early April was when my car got totaled. T-boned by another driver going too fast on a rainy day.
So it was truly just one thing after another after another, and like I feel like now is the first time it’s hit me this hard.
Almost like, being almost a full year from the *START* of it all, with the start of it being our NIH trip in early February last year, like it’s taken this long for the pure survival mode part of it to lessen, and the realities of it to settle in.
I don’t want to deal with this. It’s terrifying. And painful. And scary.
But I was not okay this weekend when it came up. And that kind of stuff can’t happen.
It was out of nowhere, but it wasn’t. It’s been almost a year since the never ending series of events that would forever change our lives began.
I have therapy tomorrow night, and I know this needs to be the focus. I imagine it won’t get any easier as the day gets closer, and I know I have work to do…I just don’t know what that looks like.
I still get dizzy with anxiety whenever my husband calls me and he’s out with the car. I’m still anticipating losing him, some terrible and horrible way. I’m scared of any outcome where I can’t guarantee everyone’s safety around me.
I know this is trauma. And I understand why it’s coming up now.
But just because I understand it doesn’t at all mean that I like it.
This shit sucks.
Be kind to yourself ❤️