More than I have to give

Waking up this morning felt like I left the parts of myself required to be a functioning adult in yesterday.

As soon as I woke up, I felt…off. Legitimately like I’m lacking something.

A serious lacking of spoons? Depression? The burden of a long as hell week catching up with me?

All of the above and more? Probably. But I feel like I am physically lacking something today.

Derek and I celebrated our 9th anniversary yesterday. I won’t lie, it started off pretty shit.

I had some PTSD moments the night before last night and kind of lost my shit.

It came out of absolutely nowhere and caught me by surprise. Which I think is why I didn’t handle it very well.

I was prepared for the breakdown that I thought would come last week, on the anniversary of the car accident with the deer that seriously injured him and totaled his car. I was prepared for and expecting that night to be a shit show. But it actually wasn’t, because I was prepared for it and did the work I needed to do to get through it.

I thought I would’ve been more triggered last week, on the day of the accident. But nope. It was the night before our marriage anniversary that got me.

Our anniversary was the first day we tried to make feel normal after the accident happened. It was the first time we took a picture together since it happened, and his face was permanently scarred and cut up and bruised. A week after that day, on our anniversary.

So I think a lot of the thoughts just crept in and broke me down, and I was not expecting it or prepared for it. At all.

It was a rough night for me. Full of triggers and feelings and I was not very okay. And I didn’t go to sleep until around 2am.

But we recovered yesterday. I turned it around and moved past it and we celebrated our day like it should have been.

So, really, when you think about it…I guess it’s no real wonder why I’m so out of spoons today.

I’m emotionally depleted, PTSD kicked my ass 2 nights ago and then I had to pull on my big girl pants and try to function yesterday so my husband and I could have the day we deserved.

I’m feeling overwhelmed by laundry and housework and chores, and I feel so behind.

I’m behind, and I have no spoons. None. Not even one.

That’s how today feels.

Like I literally have absolutely no parts of myself to give.

———

Atlas, my toddler, walked up to Phoenix this morning before school (and before anyone’s hair was done) and gave him a big hug. It was cute and adorable and it made me smile. And on no spoon days, a smile can be hard to find.

And also, here’s to us. Because 9 years isn’t nothing. Especially when your life is chaotic as ours is. And that shit is so worth celebrating. Even when I have no spoons.