The lows will happen sometimes

I’m definitely in a good bit of a funk right now. I’m hanging in there and doing the best that I can, but I can honestly say that I’m not where I want to be right now mentally.

The weather is changing, it’s warming up…which means more stress on my heart and in my body in general. So I feel more sluggish, less functional, and just overall pretty shitty.

On top or that, my allergies have come back full force and as strong as ever after a lovely few months without suffering during the winter. Normally I manage my (severe) allergies with a combo of 3 different medicines, but I haven’t been able to get the third one yet so I’m definitely under medicated. And I can feel it.

Honestly, all of that is small potatoes though.

With me, I can never tell if it’s a chicken or the egg situation. My body feels like shit physically, so my mental health goes with it? Or was it all just always bound to happen at the same time anyway?

I don’t think I’ll ever know, and I don’t think it really matters.

But I feel so distant. I’m pushing people away in the sense that I’m withdrawing and internalizing. My battery is depleted and I feel like I have nothing to pull from.

I had therapy last night. And it was fine, but it felt chaotic inside of my head. Especially the first hour. The second hour was a little more calm and less chaotic energy inside of my head, but it was still hard for me.

It was just like I had too much going on. Too much that happened during my week and too much I was trying to work through. But it all just felt jumbled and chaotic.

Really though, all that chaos is exactly how my brain is feeling right now. Very disorganized and just…loud and messy and disorganized.

Things were fine after therapy until they weren’t. I got home just before 9pm and my husband and I tried to have a normal night, but I was already exhausted and honestly more triggered from therapy that I think I realized. So every little thing he did was in some way upsetting to me.

I said I wanted to go to sleep around 10:30, and then I guess I freaked out a little and broke down ever so slightly and told him how empty and broken and depleted I’m feeling. Like I’m trying to pour into everyone but I’m literally empty and I cannot possibly continue to keep pouring into everyone else’s cup when I have nothing left to pour!

I feel so badly every time I have a night like that where I feel like shit, and he’s on the receiving end of it. Not that I’m blaming or directing anything onto him directly, but I’m sure he must feel on some level like it’s his fault or responsibility, and I feel guilty for even thinking I’m putting that onto him.

But we talked for a little while last night and I really told him how I have not had a single moment to think about or take care of myself in a long time. And I am just completely exhausted, overwhelmed and burnt out.

He heard me pretty clearly and said that we’re going to work on that, and that tomorrow (today) I can have fully to just rest and he’ll handle everything. We have a 2 year old that I’m with full time while our older 2 boys are in school, so there’s really never a single moment I have when my brain can be “off”.

Sure enough, my husband drove the kids to school this morning and took our youngest with him. He said he’s going to take him to work for a few minutes just to do his necessary checks there and then they’ll come home, and he’ll handle Atlas today.

He even said we could go to Joann’s today….my favorite (yarn) store which they just announced every single location closing by May 1st. 😭😭😭 I only have 2 “safe” stores in the entire world where I’ll willingly walk in there…and now this one is gone. If they touch Barnes and Noble next…it will feel like a personal attack

Honestly, even just having this small amount of time right now feels better. I’m truly drained. Physically and emotionally…I have nothing to offer anyone right now.

It’s just barely 8am right now and honestly, I feel like I already could fall asleep and take a nap.

This is a low. Not the lowest I’ve experienced…not even close. But, a low nonetheless.

They happen. They will always happen.

But we just have to hope a high isn’t too far away.