Lately, the hurt hurts.
And it hurts really fucking badly.
I feel like I don’t have even the most fleeting of moments to catch my breath. To catch up. To…..nullify or lessen even an ounce of the hurt.
The days are so long, and the nights have felt even longer.
Nightmare, after nightmare, after nightmare.
And, yes, this time…I’m speaking of the asleep kind of nightmares.
The ones that trigger the insomnia. That trigger the triggers. The ones that fuel the fire to the fucked up days.
Fight or flight.
That’s where we currently live.
Defensive, upset, hurt, and overly prepared.
Waiting for the next shoe to drop. For shit to hit the fan.
My hurt is hurting.
And I cannot catch my breath.
I am so strong…but I’ve rarely felt weaker.
I feel so broken. So lost.
So truly insignificant and worthless.
And truly questioning if my puny, meaningless existence is worth the suffering I’m enduring.
I’m struggling.
I can’t catch my breath.
I can’t find the hope. Or a reason to fight.
And I just need a fucking minute.
But I don’t have hope that a minute will find me right now.
Nothing about your existence is meaningless.
I hope you get some sleep tonight ❤️
It’s exactly a month until his birthday tonight.
I had therapy. I texted his parents. They responded. We talked back and forth for a few minutes…. more than I ever expected. I’ve been struggling because of him, but tonight was way more of an unexpected trigger than I could reasonably prepare myself for.
The grief from the past year has been unimaginable. And I hate myself for being so weak that I’m not yet immune to it. I didn’t think his birthday would trigger me so much. Or honestly, that ANYTHING would trigger me this much. But I know I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. And I’ll be okay.
Did his parents at least tell you how he received the crocheted Christmas gifts? It was very inconsiderate to keep you wondering.
Yup. They were nothing but kind and engaging and full of positive things to say.
When I asked about his birthday and what I could get him, they said “He loved his Christmas gift so much it will be hard to top …”
So…yeah. It was a really positive exchange overall. But it left me with a whole fucking lot of feelings to unpack.
What are you going to make for him?
They said maybe some books because he loves reading (which I knew, I’ve gotten him tons of books in the past) but they said they’d ask him directly and get back to me. So I really don’t know yet what I’m going to do.