I hate today because of what tomorrow is. It already feels so heavy, the tidal wave of grief is already starting to flood in.
Tomorrow is my birth son’s 11th birthday. A day that consumes me with grief and depression every single year.
I don’t have a plan for tomorrow, I don’t know how I’m going to get through it, other than just…simply suffering through it.
I literally just feel frozen. Like I can’t do anything.
Or don’t want to.
Laying in my bed in my freezing cold room under a hundred blankets, coming out only to drink coffee or eat chocolate, is the only thing that seems like a tolerable thing to do today and tomorrow.
I don’t want to exist, or have responsibilities, or deal with anyone.
I’m just sad.
And today isn’t even the worst of it.
Grief sucks. Loss sucks. Birthdays suck. At least this one does for me.
I hate the unknowns that tomorrow brings.
Will my gift get there in time like it’s supposed to? Will he like it? Is he going to have thoughts and feelings about me like I do about him? Is he sad at all, also feeling a sense and grief and loss?
Will his parents text me anything less than something generic and at an arms length away? Or will they engage in a more emotional and real way like they sometimes do?
Will I even get through it? Or will this one be the one that suffocates me too much?
The only thing worse than April 3rd is April 4th.
It comes every year. It always will.
And it’s never going to be something I get used to, or get over.
I miss him always, but today I miss him extra.
