Welcome to July

“You’re future is worth sticking around for”.

That’s the quote on my calendar this month. I laughed when I saw it.

July is my birthday month, next week actually.

I’m not a fan of my birthday, I’ve never been sold on the idea of celebrating me. I’ve never seen myself as worthy of celebrating. Not so subtly said, I sort of hate myself. And the idea of another year passing, is just…I don’t know.

This has been a year of constant turmoil for me. A year of hardship and pain and bad choices and regrettable nights.

I won’t say it’s been all bad though, any year I get to spend with my boys and watch them grow is a year I’ll never regret.

But there were a lot, just way too many, nights this year where I should have died, and others where I seriously contemplated it. Really, way too many. This is not an exaggeration.

So turning the page on my calendar and seeing that quote on a month I already have a certain…feeling about, on top of a year where I so desperately wanted to give up, and fought like hell just to be here, it felt hopeful.

I guess that’s the whole point though, isn’t it? To offer hope, to inspire.

Even through the pain, through the nightmares and the trauma and the shit, new and old and yet to come, today was a nice reminder that maybe, just freaking maybe, my future is worth sticking around for. At least one more birthday.

And so is yours.

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