My tank is empty

It’s not a secret that I’m struggling. I feel completely alone and vulnerable and just crappy.

Last night was rough. My husband had anxieties that I could feel, but he didn’t communicate them with me until after I was already affected by it. He later did, but the fact that he lied about it in the moment when I knew it was happening…it’s an ongoing issue that we’re working on.

So I felt empty coming into today. But I got through it, I pushed on.

I had therapy tonight, and it went well, as well as it could have anyway. But I was expecting a much different night. I was expecting to come home and relax, my day finally being over. I just wanted to come home and drink coffee and watch a show with him.

I was so looking forward to coming home and just being loved. He fills up my tank. And I needed him. I needed to feel his love.

But once again, fucking communication. He wasn’t feeling well, he thought it was heat exhaustion from his run this morning. But it has lingered and persisted and gotten worse.

He didn’t tell me how bad he felt, despite me asking. While I had one expectation going into the evening, he had information on a much different reality, which he did not share with me.

I got home surprised and…frankly? Annoyed.

This is going to be harsh, fair warning.

Sorry you don’t feel great, but I fucking flat out asked you, and you choose to lie and diminish.

I had clear and honest expectations of what I needed the evening to be. You knew this, and still, you withheld. You lied to me, and that’s fucked up. My only disappointment is with your lack of honesty.

I just wanted to come home and be hugged. Drink coffee and watch Netflix. You knew this. I told you this morning that my tank was well past empty. And you knew I needed…any sort of connection tonight.

I’ve been sitting alone in a dark room for 3 hours now. I say alone, but really I’m not. I have my thoughts, and I have alcohol. How can I possibly ever be alone with both of them so overwhelmingly present.

Coming off of therapy, when I’m talking about the heaviest of shit, off of a night previously where my tank was already very empty…. Being literally alone with my thoughts in a dark room was too much for me.

If I knew the situation going in, I could have prepared myself for it. But you weren’t honest. And that’s the part that upsets me.

It doesn’t matter. What’s done is done.

My tank is empty. I hoped tonight would fill it. But instead, I’m alone in the darkness. Literally. With nothing but heavy thoughts and alcohol to fill the maddening silence.

I don’t know how to do this when I’m running on empty. I wish you didn’t lie. I wish you communicated. I wish you didn’t withhold. I’m broken and hurting.

You set me up for failure by letting me believe tonight was something other than the reality of what it was.

I am hurting, and I feel alone. I have felt so vulnerable since what happened…happened. I’ve needed to feel safe now more than ever. And I just don’t.

At the end of the day…I love him more than words can express. And I know I’m being selfish because he doesn’t feel great…but neither do I.

But if he doesn’t tell me his truth…how can I ever tell him mine?

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