Resuming my role as “a kid”

Day 2: Magic Kindgom

Today was our first full day and we spent it at the Magic Kingdom. As you know, this is an “adults only” trip, and my kids are staying back at home with family members.

I am the youngest child in my family, and I’ve always acted like it (in a good way). I definitely embodied that youngest child vibe. Growing up (not talking about all the horrors of growing up, we’ll leave that out of this one), but especially whenever we would go away, I really filled that youngest child role. My brother is 6 years older than me, and my sister is my 9 years older than me. So there was quite an age gap.

We went to Disney World every 3 years growing up, and it was always something we all so looked forward to. It was something that made my dad and I bond, and it was just a way to let all the negativity go. Things got really good when my sister wasn’t allowed to come with us anymore because her behavioral issues were…..out of control.

Anyway, I always kind of took charge on these trips. I became confident, bold, something that looked like happy? And my family seemed to embrace it. In a world where I got nothing, on vacations it felt like I got everything. I always got the “better seat” on the ride, I got the “better” role, I got to suggest what I wanted to eat and be listened to, just little things like that that felt huge to me.

It’s interesting what’s happened on this trip. I’m a mom in real life now. Nothing is about me, I’m responsible for everyone and everything, and I’m always last. I’m not complaining, that’s just the way it is.

It’s only day 2 here, but I’ve noticed that as soon as we got here, I immediately stepped back into that same kind of role. I’m no longer last, I’m no longer taking care of everyone with no regard to myself…and no one says a word about it.

If I pick the “best” seat, choose what ride we go to next, suggest where to eat…anything like that, it’s just okay.

I know Disney brings out the kid in all of us in some type of way..but coming from me, someone who is so disconnected to my parents and that side of me, to so easily slide right back into that role so seamlessly has been interesting.

As far as my “happy moment” today, I struggled more to find one. I’d say the closest I came was when we first got there this morning and turned the corner down Main Street and saw the castle for the first time. That was a good moment. I wouldn’t call it what I’m looking for – a moment of complete happiness (literally just a moment), but it was peaceful at the least.

That’s all I have for today. Those were some of my bus ride thoughts.

Tomorrow is a Hollywood Studios day. I need try harder to look for those moments. But I also think if I force it, well…it’ll feel forced. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy to be here. It’s just that whole happiness concept I’m general that feels so strange to me.

Still no fireworks yet, it rained tonight so we headed back early. I know when I see them, that for sure will be a real happy moment.