Today is a Monday, and it feels like a Monday. The lather – rinse – repeat of the week set to start all over again. I need a change, but I don’t know what that change is.
Most days I wake up full of dread instead of hope. I know what my days hold for me, and honestly, it’s usually nothing to look forward to. Everything looks and feels the same. I feel stuck, but I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life anymore, I wake up and just have nothing that brings me joy. I hate it.
There are moments of happiness, fun and cute times with my kids that make it worth it. But for the most part, I’m just trying to make it through each day. I don’t know how normal this is, but sometimes it feels bigger than I know what to do with.
I’ve been a stay at home mom for almost 5 years now. The entire time has been filled with stress. Doctors appointments, specialists, therapies, testing, questions, questions, more questions…..
There has been very little time for me to actually be able to enjoy my time. Despite numerous doctors actually telling me to “go home and enjoy them” because “we don’t know what their future looks like”.
Right….
That should definitely make it easier to not stress out all the time.
I need room for personal growth. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore besides making meals, doing laundry, and driving my kids back and fourth to therapy every day.
Maybe that’s why writing is so important to me. It feels productive, like I’m actually doing something for myself that benefits me. Possibly even connecting with other people on some level.
I guess what it boils down to is that I just feel kind of useless. I don’t really feel like I’m worth anything or like I’m contributing in any significant way. Logically, I know that isn’t true. I know being a mom isn’t useless and I am in fact contributing in a significant way…it just feels very stale right now.
It’s a good thing my kids are very cute. I might feel stuck, but they’re always doing something ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh at.
Well…time to leave for therapy. Again.
If I didn’t have writing, I would feel completely unproductive.