As the title states….yeah. I just have no idea. Tomorrow I’ll have more more collected (sober?) thoughts.
But for tonight…
My husband came to therapy again tonight. We’ve been “sunshine and rainbows” this past week after shit seemed to hit the fan last week. Very typical of our relationship….ebbs and flows. It’s more often good than not…but it’s been a rough year. When your kids are faced with as significant medical needs as ours are…that tends to happen.
It was just a weird night. It was 2 hours of me coloring and writing song lyrics on the back of my coloring page in therapy, trying to distract myself.
2 hours of me feeling hurt, yet feeling loved at the same time.
It wasn’t bad, but it was hard.
My thoughts are everywhere…but simply put, I want more.
I need more love, more attention, more…ugh. I don’t know. As long as I feel loved, everything is good.
Can I say it? Can I just say it? Maybe not. Not yet. Shit. But damn do I want to.
Like I said. This is a weird post.
Nothing is wrong? Yet I’m fighting the internal battle of giving up vs pushing on. I feel too much, so I use alcohol to numb it. Except that often backfires into alcohol helping (forcing?) me into feeling all of it, all at once.
I’m frustrated, I’m lonely, and I’m fucking scared.
This world is a terrifying place.
And I have usually have no idea what the fuck I’m doing in it.