If you only knew

Dear #1,

Tonight is not a special night. It’s not a birthday, not an anniversary, not a momentous night by any means. But it is you who occupies my mind tonight. To be honest, you occupy my mind nearly always. But I don’t often allow the thoughts of you to grow.

Thinking of you causes so much pain that selfishly, I’d rather not always feel. The worst part of my life is having you not in it.

My #2 speaks of you often. He misses you fiercely and yet he’s never met you. I’ll owe him some answers soon enough, but I’m not ready yet. I don’t know if I ever really will be.

You are living your life and so are we. Although you aren’t here, you’re very much included in all that we do. I wish you knew how loved you are.

We may be living separate lives, but you are always with us. This doesn’t get easier, I don’t think it ever will.

But maybe each day spent missing you and loving you from afar is just another day closer to holding you again.

That day is something I cling to. I know it may never come, that choice is in your hands. Just know you’re loved. So, so incredibly loved.

I wish I could speak of you more frequently and openly, but I lack the words to give it justice.

Tonight you’re on my mind and in my heart, just like always. I just wanted to let you know.

I miss you always, but today I missed you extra.

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