I feel so alone

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through today. I honestly don’t know if I want to.

Everything hurts, everything is hard. Harder than it should be. I wish I could just say what I wanted to, what I really felt. Last night was rough.

My husband wanted to go to bed at like 8:30. He said he wanted to take a 5 minute nap because he was tired and thought it would help him be more awake. I pretty much knew then that the night was over. I didn’t wake him up, I didn’t even try.

And that’s the thing…I just gave up. That should pretty much tell you right there how badly I’m doing right now. I gave up. I just don’t care anymore. About anything.

This morning I should have had therapy but she had to cancel. It’s fine. Life, ya know?

So then I felt REALLY great. Just absolutely super fantastic.

I don’t know. I am really just so exhausted. Life is becoming a bit too much. There is so much heaviness everywhere I look and it is crushing me.

I just wish for once someone would help me hold at least some of the weight, even for just a minute. Because otherwise, I’m pretty sure I’m going to suffocate.

I feel so alone and lost. More than anything, I wish I felt better. I wish ANYTHING felt okay.

I just fucking wish I had someone on my side right now. But when I need them the most is of course when I’m going to shut down and push them away.

I don’t care. Like I said..I’m just done. I’m depleted, I’m exhausted, and I can’t deal with all of this by myself. I just can’t.

8 thoughts on “I feel so alone”

  1. Oh, Alana. I’m so sorry to hear you’re in this place. I wish I could take some of that weight from you. When you’re down, and therapy gets canceled through no fault of your own; it certainly can feel as if the world is against you. I too go through this same thought process.
    Recently, I’ve taken up a new habit. Instead of picking fights to push my husband away in these moments, I’m learning to reach for him. It’s helping our marriage of 16 years in ways I’d never imagined possible.
    Do you have someone trusted and close you can reach out to, in real life today? Maybe call your therapist for a brief check in? Let her/him know you understand they had to cancel- but you’re not in a great spot, and need a check in?
    Hoping for a better day for you 💙

    1. Thank you. ❤️
      Reaching out to someone instead of pushing them away is definitely something I need to work on. It would probably help a lot.
      My therapist puts up with me enough already, I try not to bother her too much when I don’t have to 😬. But it was rather unfortunate timing.

  2. Alana, I am here and will stand with you. It doesn’t matter where in the world we are/live, I am an email away and will do what I can. Listen/be here/what ever you require. You will get my email from the post in the dashboard, so please, if you can find the strength, get in touch. Steve

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