The Physical vs. the Mental

My brain and my body, the physical vs the mental. Always at war, fighting with the other.

My body is usually the one telling my brain to slow down, it’s usually the smart one. It reads our signals, our pain, and let’s us know it’s time to pay attention. Something I’m just not good at on my own.

My body reminds us to stop before it’s too late. To rest before the option is no longer ours to make.

When my head gets fucked up, it’s harder to hear those signals. Or maybe I just don’t care.

The choice is out of my hands now, as many aspects of my life seem to be. I didn’t listen, I kept pushing. My physical self is broken down. I don’t feel good at all. I feel tired and broken and slightly unable to recover.

It’s because I didn’t listen. I pushed too hard. I’m broken down physically because I refused to listen when I was starting to feel really bad.

But wait, that’s not entirely fair. I’ve been feeling this way for a few days now, I knew it would come to this. I tried to listen, but when you’re a parent…the luxury of self care really isn’t an option when you need it to be.

I’m not okay right now. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like when my head gets so fucked up that it translates physically. It makes me completely withdraw. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to move. It’s almost like a forced reset on my body.

This feeling always scares me. I don’t feel strong right now. Physically, mentally…I feel incredibly weak, to the point where it scares me.

I want to drink this all away. I want to stop feeling this way… This absolute nothingness mixed with despair.

I feel like I have no reason to feel this badly. I don’t know what caused this seemingly sudden crash and burn. But this one hurts. It hurts a whole fucking lot.

It scares me when the emotional side of it takes down my already fragile physical side.

Honestly, I feel like this is depression 101 right here. It’s stupid how basic it is, like, laughably so.

-no energy at all, all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep, but literally can not sleep. Go nightmares.

– no motivation for anything. At all. Like, I’ll stare at that thing that needs to be cleaned or done for 2 hours, and just be upset that it exists. I’ll literally just stare at it angrily instead of having the energy to get the fuck up and do something about it.

– let’s not talk about self care. I mean….I shower and I smell good. So that means we’re basically killing it. Don’t worry about the rest of it. Eating, sleeping…anything else…? Ugh.

– I didn’t say a word to my kids for maybe an hour and a half today. I just…I literally couldn’t. I was there, I responded to their needs, I’m not even sure they noticed. But I just could not make words come out of my mouth.

Everything hurts and everything is hard. I simultaneously feel nothing at all and absolutely everything.

It’s nights like this…or consecutive days like this…that convince me that it’s a great idea to hang out alone at night with a bottle of alcohol.

I don’t feel like I’m worth it. I feel like I’m a burden and I just want to be done.

I’m just feeling so extremely depleted. And it feels like it came out of nowhere.

I’m not going to make good choices tonight, and I’ll probably spend the entire day (or at least a few hours if my husband takes the kids out for a little while) laying in bed, not moving, not thinking, not existing.

I’m just over it. I’m fucking over this.

I don’t know how to get past this, because I don’t know what the problem is.

Really, there are so many to choose from…but I just feel like a fucking failure right now. I’m so tired that I want to cry.

I’m physically so fucked up from trying to deal with all of this mostly on my own.

I need to fucking sleep. These nightmares have been unbearable.

I’m at the end of my rope. I’m hanging on…but shit.

I feel like I’m losing.

I’m so scared.

I hate this feeling of perpetual exhaustion.

I am so burnt out. Where is the fucking fire extinguisher?!

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