The world has so many expectation of all of us. How we should feel, what we should do, who and what we should be grateful for…
But don’t let the unrealistic, oftentimes uneducated view of the world tell you otherwise.
You’re not wrong.
You’re not wrong about any of it.
You have the right to feel exactly the way you do.
If you have had nothing but a positive experience, and felt everything you needed from the adoptive side, the biological side, or both…great! I’m so incredibly happy for you. Don’t let the world tell you that you should feel differently, or it should be harder, or you’re wrong for seeing the good.
If you’re feeling hurt and betrayed, confused and questioning “why you”? Why did your birth parents “not want you”? If you have those questions, if you feel that way…you’re not wrong.
If you feel rejected, if you feel hurt, if you feel lost and confused…it’s okay. You’re not wrong, and you’re not broken.
If you feel conflicted, guilty about loving your family…Guilty about loving and wanting your birth family, worried about what your adoptive family might think and feel…that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel that way.
But you’re also allowed to love them both. That guilt is not your burden to bear.
Adoptee, it doesn’t matter how old you are. It doesn’t matter what part of your journey you are in.
Your feelings are yours. And whatever they are…they’re not wrong.
I don’t give a shit what your adoptive family tells you. I don’t give a shit what messages you’ve received from your birth family (if any). And I don’t care what societal input you’ve received. None of that matters.
How you feel is right.
No, you don’t have to feel grateful. You don’t. I promise you…feeling grateful isn’t a requirement here. You’re allowed to hurt. You’re allowed to question and ask all of the “what ifs”.
Even if you had the best possible adoption experience one can imagine…you’re not wrong for hurting. And you’re not wrong for not hurting.
You’re entitled to all of it.
The anger, the sadness, the grief, the guilt, the relief…these feelings are yours. And whatever they are, they’re all right. Because they are yours, and because you feel them.
I am not an adoptee. I am a birth mom to the most perfect 7 year old boy on the planet. (Hey, I’m allowed to feel how I do too, right?)
I’m not an adoptee, but I know one. And I would hope that he knows that he has the space to feel exactly everything that he needs to. And that no matter WHAT he feels…it’s okay. I’ll love him no matter what.
He’s allowed to be angry. Or sad. Or so, so excited about the future, about the possibility of knowing me, my other 2 sons, his brothers… He’s allowed all of it.
The only thing he absolutely isn’t allowed to feel is unloved. If you’re an adoptee and you feel that way, well, I don’t know your situation. But you’re allowed to feel that way. I hope you don’t, but it’s okay.
I know that not all birth parents can show up in the ways that you need or want them to. And I’m sorry about that. I really am. And you’re so right for feeling hurt by that.
It’s my opinion that birth parents have a responsibility to our children. Our pain matters, and it’s incredibly valid and powerful.
But our pain doesn’t matter when our children need us.
My birth son is my son. Just as my other 2 children are.
He doesn’t live with me, but I’d move heaven and earth for him, just like my other 2 boys. Probably more so.
While I certainly can’t speak for every birth parent out there, I do know quite a few. And I promise you, nearly all of them feel the way I do. We would all lay down and die for a chance at bettering your life.
Again and again, we’d choose you. In whatever way that looks like. You’re not unloved, and you were never unwanted.
Our pain is something I don’t wish you could ever understand…but all I can say is that I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that some people let their pain get in the way.
Losing a child…it hurts. It hurts every single day. It doesn’t go away. And we miss you always.
Not everyone can handle that pain, so they make choices that, honestly? Are wrong. Running from and avoiding, or even rejecting your child, you, the adoptee…it’s wrong.
But I want you to know that we know it’s wrong.
That’s not me. I can’t wait for the day if/when my son decides he’d like to know me. I’ll show up in an instant and check my feelings at the door. But I know that not everyone can do that.
So I’m sorry if that’s been your experience. But that isn’t on you.Not everyone can handle it. It’s painful. But that isn’t an excuse.
If you feel rejected…it isn’t about you. I promise. It has nothing to do with you.
I’m not excusing it. I think those birth parents are wrong.
But it isn’t because of you.