Anxiety when it makes no sense.
But really, if you look at it…it makes perfect sense.
Anxiety when you feel useless. Anxiety when you don’t feel good enough. When you feel like no one cares.
When all you feel is alone.
Whatever it feels like…whatever you call it…does it really matter? It’s really all the same. The same feeling, the same thoughts…..it doesn’t feel good.
Right now, I might label it panic.
But tomorrow, I might label that very same feeling fear or loneliness or isolation…or hopelessness.
In a world where words mean so much to me….
Sometimes, the words just don’t matter.
Definitions, descriptors….that’s not all there is to it.
There’s such a huge disconnect between the words and the feelings. Between the words and the…utter lack of feelings.
There is fear. I’m living in fear right now.
Or is it panic, or anxiety, or isolation? Or something else entirely?
And does it really matter how we label it???
Right now, I feel bad and alone and scared. I feel unnecessary and unimportant. I want to give up. The world has too much promise of pain, and no potential for forgiveness.
Today, I want out.
I want a hug, I want love, I want understanding, I want anything……..but I push and I run from it.
In a world where there’s nothing to lose but pain itself…I’m struggling to hold on.
I want this. I want strength and peace and togetherness. But I just can’t fucking find it. I feel so weak and misunderstood and alone.
Don’t misunderstand me. I so very desperately want to fight this fight. And I have been, for years now.
But I’m losing hope. I’m losing ground.
So really, I kind of just want out.