When the pain just doesn’t end

I’d rather die than keep missing him like this. I’m sorry, I know that’s a harsh start to a post…but it’s true.

I’d rather die than live without him.

He’s literally my child, and I’m navigating this world without him. And that just…..it doesn’t make any sense.

It’s only getting harder. He’ll be 8 this year. I should be “over it”….right?

That’s what you probably think?

And you know what? Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should. Maybe, I’m just fucking weak for caring about this shit still.

I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t love him. I shouldn’t still miss him. It’s been 8 years. Get over it.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m wrong.

But I still care. I can’t stop missing him or loving him or being destroyed by his absence.

I need him,….and he doesn’t even know that I exist.

There just aren’t enough words to paint the picture.

I just miss him….so fucking much. It isn’t fair. It doesn’t make sense.

I miss a stranger in my life.

But he never should have been a stranger to begin with.

He’s my son.

He’s a stranger…but he’s my son.

And I’d rather die than continue to miss him this much.

There’s no solution for this. No end to the pain, nothing better to hope for. It just…it hurts.

It’s just a pain that makes no sense. And it’s never going to stop.

Maybe I should just get over it.

((I miss you always, but today I miss you so much extra))

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