I’ve taken so many tests.
I know it’s still early, but I needed to know.
They’ve all been “negative”.
Yesterday I convinced myself that there was a line. Literally barely there, but I hoped.
This morning I didn’t see one. But I also gave up and didn’t look. When I back a little while later and thought it was just an evap line.
I just took one again because I wasn’t sure.
It’s there. There’s a line. 2 lines.
It’s always been forced on me. It’s never been a choice. My 5 year old son was “planned”, but it happened so fast and I was so scared.
I’ve never tried, wanted it, and had it be my choice.
But this time it was.
It’s time to step up. My body is no longer my own.
We’re in this together, kid.
Thanks for showing up.
Here’s the deal. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t my husband yet. I told my best friend, but I don’t want to tell anyone right away. I just want to sit with this myself for a minute without him.
We knew the day was coming.
Well, that day is here.
I honestly don’t know if it’s safe for me to go cold turkey. It might be safer to taper. I think I have to have one (tiny) drink tonight, late, and very weak. Just to see if I’m okay, and not having massive withdrawals. Then, tomorrow, nothing at all. I’m only 3 weeks. Most people never even know this early. This is the reason I’ve been testing so early and often.
I made it until 8:20pm last night. Tonight, I’ll try to push it back another hour.
I want to tell him, but I want this baby to be mine, just for a little bit longer.
I promise, I won’t let you down. Tonight is the nigh that I have been dreading.
But I can do this. I will survive.
I’m not alone anymore
Originally written February 9th, at 9:55am.
(And yes, I was ((painfully)) successful with a one night taper)