Alcohol, or, the lack there of, has done some strange things to my emotions. I’ve always said that I use alcohol to feel. Because without it, I’m essentially numb.
That’s both true and untrue. It definitely helped me to feel. It allowed my emotions to come to the surface, and even to be talked about. But it also made things harder in its own right.
Lately, without alcohol…sober…finding and associating with any sort of real and true feeling…it’s nearly impossible. I see it, I feel it for half a second, and then I just fucking run from it.
My birth sons 8th birthday is coming up in just a few short weeks. An event that, each year, takes another part of me and destroys it.
This year is no different…but I’m struggling. I’m feeling it…hard. But there’s also about 50 foot wall in between me and any sort of…actual feeling. As soon as it enters my mind, it upsets me, and I run from it. I don’t allow it to exist.
You might think that that’s actually great and super helpful and protective…but it’s not. It’s not gone. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. It just comes out inappropriately instead. It’ll come out in bursts of anger at the wrong person, it’ll come out in “random” anxiety that’s so bad that I can’t breathe for a fucking hour. It’ll come out in any way it decides to.
I texted his parents 3 days ago, same as I do every single birthday or holiday. I asked how he was doing, for an update, I asked what I could get him for his birthday, I wished them all well.
3 days later, still nothing.
I’m fucking destroyed about it.
Is this the first year I’ll have sent him nothing for his birthday? Is this really going to be the first thing, holiday or birthday, that I’ve missed in his life?
Will he think I don’t care? Will he think I forgot about him? That I don’t love him?
And for that matter…does he even know who I fucking am?
So many questions I’ll never have any answers to.
I miss him, and I can’t even be there for him in the most basic of ways. I can’t send him a gift if they don’t respond, I’d they don’t give me anything to work with…if they don’t allow me to.
It’s wrong. It’s just so fucking wrong.
All I have ever done was love him from a distance while trying to be as respectfully present as I can be. And it scares them. I know it does.
It’s brutal. That’s all I can say about it. It just Fucking sucks.
I’m sorry, kid. I love you. I hope you know that.
((I miss you always, but today I miss you extra))