It has been 32 days since I’ve taken a drink.
It’s been that long since I got a positive pregnancy test.
I want to be proud of myself. I want to feel complete, or accomplished, or any sort of positive thing about it…but I don’t. It doesn’t feel earned. It doesn’t feel like anything worthy of recognition.
But at the same time…I really wish there was at least one person in my life that acknowledged this. Like…everyone who knows me well enough has spent the last 3 years saying “hey, you drink a lot. Maybe…drink less?” Like, it’s a known fact that if you’re very close to me in any way, you’re familiar with my intense struggles with alcohol.
So, if those people had a voice (rightfully so) then…where are they now? Where are any tiny voices or whispers of good job? Or I’m proud of you?
I get it. It’s not a big deal, I basically cheated, and I didn’t get sober because I wanted to. I did it because I had to. So maybe that doesn’t count, maybe it takes something away from it, whatever.
But still. That doesn’t change how hard this shit has been. Every single day, my thoughts are with drinking. How long until I can, convincing myself one drink would be okay, then reasoning with myself and saying no, of course even one drink is not okay.
It’s hard. Every fucking day is hard. But I’ve done it. And I will continue to.
And shit. Maybe I don’t deserve it. But it would feel really nice if anyone recognized that this is still a huge struggle for me, but was proud of me anyway.
I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever been able to get past 24 hours sober in the past 3 years…let alone an entire month. So it’s been hard. It’s been hard just to even get up to this point.
I know I shouldn’t be “proud” of myself necessarily. Because I did have to, and it wasn’t a choice. And I shouldn’t have been in that position anyway, where alcohol had become the most important thing in my life. But here we are.
And I guess it just hurts that no one has really acknowledged it at all.
I don’t need anyone to. But I guess sometimes, it’s just easier to walk certain roads with someone else…and not quite so alone.
12 thoughts on “Worthy of pride?”
Hi Alana, I understand, I hear, and I (while I am merely someone on the internet) am VERY proud of YOU. Alcohol is the devil and it is literally everywhere we turn. We cannot get away from it. Hang in there. Minute by minute. You are not alone, although, I completely understand you feel you are.
Thank you 💙 I appreciate that a lot. It’s definitely tough to have less than ideal support sometimes.
I absolutely think it’s a huge accomplishment. 💕
Thank you ❤️❤️
That really does mean a lot.
I think you are doing great 🙂 <3
Thank you so much 😊 ❤️
When you say you don’t have a choice- you absolutely do, and the one you have made is the difficult decision. That is to be commended. You are doing great! If you have no support at home, have you considered AA? My friend is 22 years sober and swears by them. 💚 proud of you!
Thank you, I appreciate you saying that. It’s definitely a hard choice, but knowing it’s the right (and only) one makes it easier.
I’ve strongly considered AA…but my anxiety goes crazy and convinces me it’s probably a horrible idea haha. The idea of sitting in a room full of people and actually talking terrifies me.
I get the being in a room with people thing. I believe they have online and telephone meetings, also. Might feel safer to try those. If you do, realize it may take a bit to find the right one. My friend likes the women only groups.
I guess finding the right group is a lot like trying to find the right therapist. Might take a while, and that’s just a part of it.
I agree, I think I’d definitely be more comfortable in an all women group. Definitely something to keep considering.
Hang in there. Getting sober is hard at first but it can be a beautiful life! It has been for me. I have really benefitted from lots of support- therapy, AA, Alanon, ACA, books, and Recovery Dharma. There are so many other options too that I have not explored. I hope you find what you need.
Thank you, I appreciate it. I definitely need to look into some more resources, it’s a tough journey for sure. I’ve made it through the first half of “This Naked Mind” twice now…maybe I should get around to reading the second half someday soon 😬