I think I’ve come to the conclusion that therapy is just something I’m probably never going to understand.
It went…well? Last night? I think? I mean, it seemed like it did…but lately, it’s been so confusing and complicated and just…I don’t know.
It seems like up until the last month, everything about therapy and her and the whole process mostly made sense. Like, there wasn’t a part of it that had me feeling uncertain or confused or even just like, what the fuck.
But the past few weeks have been different. Granted, the past few weeks have been the first and only few weeks that I’ve been sober in 3 years, so there’s always that to take into account…but still.
It’s like, I honestly feel stupid sometimes. Like I’m not grasping these seemingly super easy concepts that I apparently should have grasped a long ass time ago.
Changing my thought? Impossible.
Actually talking about things…like with words…and my mouth? IMPOSSIBLE.
Being vulnerable and trusting and just fucking real and open? Impossible.
And don’t even get me started on EMDR. Apparently, that’s the fucking Webster definition of impossible right now.
I feel like I’m questioning everything, and I honestly feel like a failure. Last night was fine, and it didn’t go badly at all. I left feeling better instead of worse. But I still struggled.
I struggled to talk and I struggled to allow myself to feel.
It’s so frustrating. Any time any feeling comes up, it just automatically gets pushed away and shut down. It’s just become such an automatic reflex at this point.
I think a really big part of it is that…I’m just so afraid of…I don’t know. Getting hurt.
She can…and likely will hurt me. And it’s really fucking hard to just like…know that. And be okay with it. And somehow fucking trust her (or anyone) enough to like, bare my fucking soul and emotionally bleed out in her room. Like, it’s a concept I don’t know how to get my head around.
It’s frustrating that I’m still in this place. It’s frustrating for me, and I know it is for her as well.
I genuinely do want to be better at this. But it’s like I’m just so stuck and..I don’t know. Afraid, maybe.
The worst part is, this is what I want the most. Like to be good at this, to be able to talk and say what I’m thinking…and to actually fucking feel something real and honest in the presence of others?! It’s frustrating. And it sucks, and it hurts.
Now is the forced window of opportunity to make shit happen. I’m sober, because I have to be. I want to be, but I also have to be. But as soon as I don’t? As soon as I’m no longer pregnant…I won’t have to be sober. And I want to use this time to make real and honest progress.
But I’m just so stuck in this fear. I don’t want to get hurt. And I’m so afraid of feeling.
But all of that…it’s hurting me more. I know it is.
I just don’t know how to get past it. It feels shitty. And I feel so alone. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I were colder or harder or…I don’t know. It hard. Letting people in, being vulnerable, it’s fucking hard. Even just alone and with myself, it’s hard.
I wish I wasn’t like this.