Pushing people away when I need them the most

Lately, I find myself feeling very down about myself. I just don’t feel good about anything. I don’t like how I feel, I don’t like how I’m acting because of it…and I don’t know. It just leaves me feeling really pretty worthless and like I have no value..nothing to offer.

I guess it feels like I’m doing that thing I do where I push everyone away. I’m not as affectionate as I usually am, I’m colder, more distant…

I always do this when what I need is the exact opposite. When I need people to push back, show up…be there anyway.

When I’m hurting, I just don’t want to deal with it. I really don’t know how to. So I guess I just…don’t.

I feel bad for my husband, who’s catching the brunt of it. And I’m honestly not even sure if he realizes. But I just feel like I’m being so cold toward him. And I genuinely don’t want to….but it’s like I can’t turn it off.

He’s a pretty affectionate person, towards me anyway. And I usually am too…but lately it’s like…I don’t know. It’s like a have to force myself to even muster up a smile, or any kind of words. And then I just end up feeling guilty because he doesn’t deserve that, and I hate myself even more, and it’s just a miserable cycle.

Last year, at this exact time of year, right around my birth sons birthday…things were NOT good between my husband and I. I was in a horrific place (as I am every year at this time), my drinking was….let’s just say it was at an I should have died level…and it was bad. Bad, bad, bad. His mental health was at his all time worst (he’s since worked on it and is 1,000 times better now). There’s a part of me that is afraid that, when I go through something as difficult as his birthday season, that the people around me can’t handle it.

They don’t know how to deal with it, or me, or anything that goes with it. And I understand that. I really do. It’s not something that the majority of people can understand the gravity and the grief of. So, I guess, in turn, I just end up dealing with it on my own. I pull back, I push the ones I need the most away, and I just shut down.

But that doesn’t feel any better. It feels worse. I feel alone, and even more misunderstood and broken and just…fucked up.

I need people right now. It’s as simple as that. I don’t know how to get through this on my own…but really…getting through it on my own is all I’ve ever done. But every year, it fucking breaks me. So maybe that means I need to do something different.

“If what you’re doing isn’t working, do something different.”
This is my something that I say all the time. It’s something I try to honor and live by.

What I’m doing isn’t working.
But I just don’t know what to do differently. I don’t know what else there is. I don’t know what I’m left with.

Relying on others seems like…it seems like setting myself (and them) up for failure. Like, they can’t give me what I need, so why bother.

And what’s sad is that I don’t even know what I need.

I think I need someone to just fucking destroy me. I need someone to absolutely force me to deal with this. And feel it. Someone to force me to talk about him, and ask about him, and make me watch the videos, and look at the pictures and everything that goes along with it.

The pictures and videos that I have from 8 years ago…from the day that he was born…? I haven’t looked at or watched those in…probably since the day he was born. I know I tried to watch the videos on his second birthday, but I didn’t get through more than the first 5 minutes. It was too much for me. And I haven’t tried again since.

But I honestly think that’s what I need. Just someone to force me to deal with it, and force me to feel it without avoiding it. I have been avoiding all of this for so long. And all I know how to do is avoid it and numb myself out from it completely. But that just isn’t working. It hurts, and it leaves me feeling so empty.

I’ve got 11 days left trapped in this hell. I still haven’t sent him his gifts. It hurts too much to deal with. It hurts too much to wrap them and send it off. I just don’t want to deal with any of it. I wish I could feel sad like normal people, instead of just empire and irritable and…alone.

All I want to do is just spend the next 2 weeks in bed covered with blankets and comfort and hugs. Is that too much to ask for?

(((I love you always, but today I love you extra)))

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