I don’t want to feel this anymore

Driving home from therapy with a blurry field of vision is never what I hope for.

Fighting back the tears, fighting back the emotions, fighting back the urge to kill myself… it’s like that’s when it hits me. Driving home, later at night, when all I want to do is give up.

The pain is too much and no one understands it, no one cares. At least that’s how it feels.

I’m sick of hurting and feeling so alone in it. I’m sick of feeling so misunderstood about it all.

I got the closest I’ve ever come to actually crying in therapy tonight. My eyes got watery and I had to fight it hard. But I can’t fight it anymore. It hurts…it just hurts so fucking badly.

I miss my son. His birthday is on Monday. And I miss him so much that it literally, physically hurts. Like, it hurts so bad that I’d rather die than ever feel this way. It isn’t a pain that makes sense. I know it isn’t.

I don’t like feeling things. It’s like I don’t know how to. So I guess I was shit at therapy again tonight, and I’m sure I frustrated her because I’m a literal fucking disaster.

When all I want to do is break down and absolutely lose my shit and just fucking allow myself to feel the way I actually do instead of just suppressing it…I push people away instead. Because they’re going to hurt me. And I can’t handle any more hurt. I just can’t.

I feel so broken and alone. I miss my son in a way that doesn’t seem possible. To miss someone so much, to love someone so much that you just can’t have…it isn’t normal. It isn’t natural. It goes against every single thing about human nature.

His life, my sons life, is worth no less than my other 2 children. And if I were to lose one of them, it would destroy every single part of me.

So, why then, is it such a hard concept to understand how hurt, how broken, and how impossible this is for me?

He’s my son. There’s never been anything on this planet more important than him. Losing him hurts. Celebrating him…it’s not something I’m strong enough to do.

I need people right now. I need to fall apart, and trust that the people in my life will be there to pick up the pieces. But I don’t trust that they will.

I can’t keep hurting like this, and I can’t keep keeping it to myself. I am not strong enough to get through this next week on my own.

But I just keep fucking everything up.

(((I love you always, but today I love you extra)))