This morning got off to a very bad start, which does nothing to help my already….sensitive…state of being. We should say sensitive instead of suicidal, right? Okay. Good.
My 5 year old did something impulsive and kind of dumb, didn’t get enough sleep, and is in a particularly difficult kind of mood. The sad, crying, nothing is going right, kind of mood. With the kind of genetic disorder that they have, if they don’t get enough sleep, or if they overdo it at all physically, they can’t recover and it’s always rough the next day.
On top of that, last night was rough. Therapy didn’t go well, or at least it doesn’t feel like it went well. It’s like the whole world is struggling to see the fact that I’m a shell right now. I’m a shell of whoever I was, whoever I’m supposed to be.
I feel as though one more hit, one more bad experience…any more pain, and I’ll just crumble and fall apart.
The only thing stopping me from swallowing a bottle of pills right now is the fact that I’d be hurting someone else. Not just me. And I swore never to do that. My body doesn’t belong to me right now, and that means something to me.
But I’ll be honest…I’ve considered it anyway. I am just so, completely exhausted. I can’t even express the level of exhausted that I am. Mentally, physically…I feel trapped in a world that I don’t belong in, that I can’t keep up with.
I need to space to fall apart, I need the room to just be a mess, and have the space to allow myself to be as broken as I feel. When my kids get tired, they fall apart, I take care of them, and they feel better. They recover.
When I feel like this, there’s no one there to take care of me. There’s no one to help me through it, or allow me to breakdown, or to help put me back together. Right now, I’m hurting to the point where life doesn’t seem worth living anymore. It’s too much, and I want out. I want off the ride.
Why can’t anyone that I need to be there just see that? Why, just this once, just during this time of year, can’t anyone step up for me, just this once? Right now, even just sitting here, I’m on the verge of tears.
I am so exhausted, and I don’t feel like I can do this anymore. I’m not okay, and I just need someone. I need someone to make me feel safe enough to actually be able to feel everything that I’m feeling, and talk about it without feeling…I don’t know. Judged. Or alone.
I need therapy to be safe. I need my husband to understand how I’m feeling without me having to tell him. If I keep feeling this way, this badly, this hopeless…I don’t know.
Maybe I just need to lay on the floor and cry for a few hours.